AN open letter to Monica Lewinsky: Dear Monica, Hi there. Howzit going? I heard you are shopping around for a media outlet from which to tell your story and I just wanted to make my pitch. I realize that on the surface, Honolulu Lite wouldn't seem to have the circulation of those big TV programs and magazines you've been talking to. But if you agree to tell your story through Honolulu Lite, I promise you, it would get national coverage. (And it wouldn't hurt my career, either.) Hey Monica,
blow off steam
Hawaii styleI think it was really crummy the way you were treated by Oprah. What a snooty old tootie she is. Imagine, refusing to let you get a cut of the proceeds from your appearance on her show! I guess Oprah feels like SHE is the only one allowed to make money from her program.
I know you've been offered a lot of money from other shows, like Roseanne's. But think about it, if you wanted to spill your guts to some opinionated, overbearing, fatty-fatty-boomblatty like Roseanne, you could check into any old trailer park in Arkansas.
Obviously, I can't offer you millions of dollars to tell your story exclusively to Honolulu Lite. But I think I can put together a fairly impressive package. How many of those other guys are offering you a free trip to Hawaii? The only thing is, I'll have to meet you in Las Vegas, since I can get a better round-trip airfare from there.
Once in Hawaii, you will be whisked from the lovely, always-under-construction Honolulu Airport in a deluxe pickup truck to the beautiful back lot (recently paved) of the News Building.
From there, you'll be escorted to the luxurious cubicle of Honolulu Lite, where you will receive a lei. No, Monica, not the kind you're thinking of. My personal clerk (well, the feature section's clerk) will bring you an ice-cold beverage of your choice and will let you use her chair during our interview.
THEN, for a marvelous couple of hours, I will sit enchanted while you tell me in your own words how you were mistreated by "the creep." I will tape the interview with the finest micro-cassette tape recorder available from Longs. And I will leave the recorder in plain sight. (None of that hidden microphone stuff.)
Afterward, you will be whisked off on a personal tour of some of Oahu's most famous attractions, like Zippy's, where you'll have a scrumptious lunch. (Chili spaghetti!) Of course, we will stop at the beautiful Pali Lookout, known for its strong wind. Trust me, you'll experience quite a blow.
As part of the Honolulu Lite package, you will enjoy your own downstairs room at a picturesque Kaneohe house with private access to the back deck and hot tub. (We'll keep our dog Boomer upstairs for a few days.) Your room will include such upscale amenities as a lamp, end table and clean sheets.
As part of the package, you will get your own bus pass, enabling you to explore the entire island at your own pace. The pass will allow you to get off whenever you see something interesting and back on if that interesting thing turns out to be a gang of kids trying to rob you. Ha. Ha. That's a joke, Monica. We have no crime in Hawaii. Absolutely none. People here don't even lie.
So, what do you think? I bet that's the most unusual offer you've had so far. If you need some kind of financial incentive, I guess I could come up with a little. Unlike Oprah, I'm not ashamed to pay for a good column. How does a hundred bucks sound to start with?
I'm really excited about this, Monica. Hope I hear from you soon. Did I mention I can get you a discount at Hilo Hattie's? They have lots of blue muumuus.
Charles Memminger, winner of
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
awards in 1994 and 1992, writes "Honolulu Lite"
Monday, Wednesday and Friday.
Write to him at the Honolulu Star-Bulletin,
P.O. Box 3080, Honolulu, 96802
or send E-mail to charley@nomayo.com or
71224.113@compuserve.com.
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