Honolulu Lite

by Charles Memminger

Wednesday, June 17, 1998

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Eerie entries abound
in phone book

MY colleague, Dave Donnelly, beat me to the punch this year, flipping through the new telephone book to find a page heading "Lingle-Liu," and wondering if it is an omen of things to come regarding the political aspirations of gubernatorial candidate Linda Lingle and lieutenant governor wannabe Mike Liu.

I say "beat me to the punch" because finding unusual page headings inside new phone books has been my yearly gig. When the new phone books come out, some people go through and compare the number of attorney listings to the number of listings for escort services. Others go immediately to their own last name to see if any family members have moved to town in the past year. I like to look at the page headings -- the two words/names at the top of each page that tell you the first and last listings on that page -- and find whimsical combinations.

Last year was a bust because, honey, they shrank the phone book. The type was so small it couldn't be read (at least by me) without a magnifying glass. Also, making the book itself smaller apparently threw off the delicate balance of listings so that there were very few odd page headings.

This year the books are back to full size and I was happy to see that there are a number of bizarre page headings. Unlike Donnelly, I look only at the Yellow Pages, because businesses seem to make the strangest verbal bedfellows. It's amazing that even though hundreds of businesses have come and gone, a few page headings, like "Funeral-Furniture" remained the same. Others, like "Fireproof-Fish" have been replaced with "Fireplace-Fish," which just doesn't have the same alliterative allure.

Here are some of this year's picks of the literary litter and their possible meanings:

Alternative-Ambulance (New Age psychics race to the scene and aid accident victims with "healing touch" and herbs.)

Bamboo-Banks (The banks that say, "Hey, where did all the pandas come from?")

Burglar-Buses (Convict conveyances?)

Candy-Car (Chocolate Chevy?)

Chlorinating-Churches (So godliness will be next to cleanliness?)

Convention-Convents (For major monk meetings.)

Dancing-Darts (Name of a new disco pub?)

Escrow-Excavating (When you have to dig yourself out of debt.)

Facial-Farm (When a spa just won't do.)

Karaoke-Kitchen (For cookin' up the hits.)

Leather-Lifeguard (The main act in an exotic dance club.)

Lingerie-Livestock (Aging supermodels who have been put out to pasture?)

Mulches-Music (What I do when I visit a karaoke kitchen. Or any karaoke venue, for that matter.)

Navigational-Noodles (Pasta pointers.)

Paper-Parents (Absentee moms or dads who only pay child support.)

Parking-Party (We be traffic jammin'.)

Perforated-Pest (Mr. Mongoose, meet Mr. Shotgun.)

Produce-Psychics ("Lettuce Tell Your Future.")

Sandblasting-Sausage (Construction implement used in conjunction with Screwdriving Salami and Plastering Pepperoni.)

Swimming-Synagogues (Like a chlorinated church, only different.)

Tattooing-Tax (Just another way for government to needle you.)

Topsoil-Tourists (Visitors who want to get down and dirty.)

Wedding-Welding (When you want to make sure your marriage sticks.)

Welding-Wigs (For those who want to join a SERIOUS hair club for men.)

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Charles Memminger, winner of
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
awards in 1994 and 1992, writes "Honolulu Lite"
Monday, Wednesday and Friday.
Write to him at the Honolulu Star-Bulletin,
P.O. Box 3080, Honolulu, 96802
or send E-mail to charley@nomayo.com or
71224.113@compuserve.com.

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