Honolulu Lite

by Charles Memminger

Monday, June 15, 1998

The secret to choosing
schools chief

A practically unimpeachable source slipped me a folder of state Board of Education minutes of a secret committee meeting on the upcoming selection of a new schools superintendent. The documents are so secret that board members refer to themselves by code names, like Barbie, Stud Muffin, GovPet and Retread. If authentic, they say a lot about the school system. See what you think.

Super Secret Superintendent Selection Subcommittee (SSSSS) Meeting Minutes #354:

Stud Muffin suggested having candidates join board members in Las Vegas to see how they function when "all liquored up." Retread called him an idiot and threw a pencil at him. Barbie stared icily at both. Lunch was ordered. Reporter spotted in nearby booth. Meeting hastily recessed. SSSSS members left through different exits.

SSSSS Meeting Minutes #362:

GovPet said the governor is upset about the slow selection process. Makes him look like he doesn't have any control over the board. "What's his freakin' problem?" chortled Stud Muffin. GovPet went on record as being against any further meetings in abandoned gun emplacements because of spiders. Stud Muffin called him a "weenie." Candidates cut down to five people, based on the fact that they were not opposed to taking part in such a humiliating selection process. GovPet suggested that makes them all unfit for office. All shared a hearty laugh.

SSSSS Meeting Minutes #374:

Subcommittee members outraged at reaction of entire board to finalists. Retread reported that one member, who works nights as a traffic cone placer but garnered nearly 40,000 votes in last election because a member of his family appeared in a bunch of television commercials in the 1960s, asked, "Who came up with these lame-os?" Retread reminded subcommittee, which met under a bridge in Kahaluu, that if the entire board did not unanimously support the winning candidate, the public would think the board was out of control. Vote was taken to look up the word "unanimously." Motion passed 4-3.

SSSSS Meeting Minutes #386:

"Perhaps we should let the public take a direct role in the selection process," said Stud Muffin to howls of derisive laughter. "Just kidding!" he added, nearly falling off the top of the water tower where the subcommittee was meeting.

SSSSS Meeting Minutes #392:

Barbie suggested that the entire board vote secretly on the superintendent before the public meeting to officially vote on the superintendent. That way, the public vote will be unanimous and the public will think the board is 100 percent behind the new super. Retread said the new superintendent will know it's a setup. Barbie said yeah, but he'll be spending most of his time trying to figure out which board members hate his guts so that the real power stays with us and we will be able to pursue our political careers. Subcommittee agreed to bowl two more games before adjourning.

SSSSS Meeting Minutes #395:

Subcommittee members astonished to public reaction to their plan to vote in private in order to cover up the actual feelings of board members toward the new superintendent. "What's their freakin' problem?" asked Stud Muffin. Retread said they might have to throw the public a bone to keep them happy. "What if we let the kids pray before class?" he asked. Nah, Barbie said. "If they want to pray, let them go to private school. Besides, you let 'em pray and the next thing they'll want are their own textbooks and metal detectors at the doors!" All share a good laugh, which startles the rest of the audience in the movie theater. "What's their freakin' problem," Stud Muffin asked.

Charles Memminger, winner of
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
awards in 1994 and 1992, writes "Honolulu Lite"
Monday, Wednesday and Friday.
Write to him at the Honolulu Star-Bulletin,
P.O. Box 3080, Honolulu, 96802

or send E-mail to charley@nomayo.com or

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