BEFORE everyone starts pummeling former state Sen. Milton Holt for allegedly charging thousands of dollars on Bishop Estate credit cards at strip clubs and Las Vegas casinos, let's all take a deep breath. Milton, here’s how
to beat the pressThere. Good. See, that's what you are supposed to do when faced with overwhelming evidence of wrongdoing by a public figure. At least according to White House spokesman Mike McCurry.
I think I've learned enough about handling the press from watching the Monica Lewinsky/Bill Clinton scandal to be of some use to Milton Holt. So the rest of you run along while I speak to Milton.
Milton, listen, things are going to get pretty rough for you in the next few weeks. While I can't actually act as your spokesman, let me give you some advice on how to handle the media.
When the first reporter asks you a question about your use of Bishop Estate credit cards to party at local strip clubs and hostess bars, you say, "I am personally hurt by this media feeding frenzy." Try to look hurt.
When asked whether you had sex at the strip clubs and hostess bars, you say: "I am having no improper sexual relationships with any one hostess or stripper."
This will really stump them, because there are more emergency escape hatches in that sentence than in a submarine.
When they ask you to define "improper," you say "Look, I'm not going to parse the statement I already gave you."
This will send them running for the dictionaries since none of them will know what "parse" means. This will give you time to have a few cocktails before they return.
WHEN they do return and ask if you consider using Bishop Estate credit cards at strip clubs and casinos a legitimate use of Bishop Estate funds, you say, "I would love to respond to that. And I'm going to. Sooner rather than later. But you know that the Attorney General is conducting an investigation and that documents have been subpoenaed. Estate attorneys are gathering that information so that our response can be as complete as possible."
When they ask, "Did you or did you not spend Bishop Estate money in these clubs, yes or no?"
You say, "I'm just not going to answer these questions piecemeal. There is a formal investigation and we believe all these questions will be answered in a proper forum."
If a reporter claims a particular hostess says she rubbed your leg under the table after you bought her a $50 cocktail, look hurt again.
Then say, "I know the woman you are talking about and I will not aggravate her serious mental condition by responding. I believe her criminal record speaks for itself, not to mention the fact that she has more kneepads than the Pittsburgh Steelers."
By the time you've gotten to this point, you are home free. Virtually any other question can be countered by: 1) "I believe I've already answered that question" or 2) "As long as the matter is under investigation, I can't say anything more."
See, Milton, it won't be too bad.
Once you've muzzled the press, I suggest you set up a few carefully choreographed public appearances, anywhere where the waitresses don't wear fishnet stockings, and beers cost less than a buck-fifty. I suggest visiting a hospital for sick children or a day-care center. But don't let any kids sit in your lap. A photograph would look weird.
You also need to give some speeches, like to the freshmen class of some small community college. In your speech, call for lower tuition, better education and clean water. Oh yeah, and say that Bishop Estate supports the bombing of Iraq.