Honolulu Lite

by Charles Memminger

Wednesday, January 14, 1998

Teeing off on issues of the day

A few random thoughts and observations from the Honolulu Lite Book of Virtues and Other Puzzling Phenomena:

Iraq is causing trouble again, blocking U.N. inspectors from searching for weapons. Something has to be done and it isn't bombing Baghdad. The average Iraqi-in-the-street doesn't deserve to die just because some crazy person is in control of the country. I say we take Saddam Hussein out the same way we took out Panama dictator Manuel Noriega: Arrest him.

First, we wire up Washington, D.C., mayor Marion Barry and let him tag along on one of those weird Louis Farrakhan "Dictators Who Hate America" tours. Then we bust Saddam after he smokes some crack with Barry and show the whole thing on "Cops" so that the rest of the world knows it was a good arrest.

Publishers Clearinghouse will be giving away 10 million bucks during halftime of the Super Bowl in a few weeks. So far, I've personally met 3.1 million people who claim they are finalists. This is really a dirty trick, making people think they have a chance to win this drawing when the odds actually are something like 500 million to one. The odds of getting beat to a pulp with a sea trout in your back yard by Ed McMahon are only 200 million to one.

I feel sorry for the neighbors of the family that wins. It's bad enough that you know you can't win, but to see the damn truck rolling up to your next-door neighbor's place - the guy who probably runs over your garbage can and kicks your dog - well, that's gotta hurt.

Someone ought to do an entire show on the next-door neighbors of people who have won the Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes. They could call it "Real Losers." "Hey! What'd you think when you saw the sweepstakes van pull up outside your neighbor's door? Doncha just hate that?"

I'm sure some of those neighbors have stopped believing in God. How can you love a god, who, when he has the entire country to choose from, gives 10 million bucks to your next door neighbor? It's enough to turn you into a Satanist.

Speaking of people who don't deserve a millions of dollars ... Paula Jones, who at first claimed she only wanted her reputation cleared with an apology from the president, now wants $2 million. I think she just found out how much her nose job is going to to cost. I don't mean to be critical, but you have to admit, she's overly endowed in the honker department. She could snort the entire gross national product of Colombia up one nostril.

That doesn't mean Bill Clinton didn't drop his pants in front of her. For all I know, that's the way they say "Howdy!" down in Arkansas. We already know Bill's character. Now we are learning what a cheap, shameless greenmailer Paula Jones is. The whole affair is giving the term "white trash" a bad name.

I'm thinking of joining the PGA. It all depends on how Casey Martin's lawsuit works out.

Martin is a pro golfer who's come down with a physical disorder that makes it so he can't walk the golf course. He is suing so he can use a golf cart, while everyone else humps it on foot around the course. It seems kind of silly, especially since golf isn't exactly the most grueling sport around. But even Tiger Woods says it's not fair for Martin to use a cart. It's kind of like letting the front line of the Denver Broncos use .45 caliber handguns to stop the Packer rush. (They'd still lose.)

If Martin gets to use a cart, I'm going to sue the PGA to be allowed to join the tour, use the beer wagon as transportation and hit from the women's tees. I don't care if the PGA is a private organization, I have a constitutional right to be a pro golfer. God knows I've got the physique for it.

Charles Memminger, winner of
National Society of Newspaper Columnists
awards in 1994 and 1992, writes "Honolulu Lite"
Monday, Wednesday and Friday.
Write to him at the Honolulu Star-Bulletin,
P.O. Box 3080, Honolulu, 96802

or send E-mail to charley@nomayo.com or

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