I was reading a wire story about how a bunch of chefs are upset that Americans simply will not do their culinary duty, step up to the plate and eat rabbits. We like our protein
meaty, not cuteThe cooks call rabbit "the perfect meat," a phrase that to vegetarians must be as much fun to hear as fingernails scratching a chalkboard.
But it's true. If you are a meat eater, some meats are more perfect than others. Many contain a lot of fat and cholesterol. Bunny doesn't. It's lean, full of protein and it's easy to digest. And it's hoppin' tasty.
The story semi-correctly pointed out that the reason rabbit isn't America's favorite entree is because many Americans are reluctant to eat "cute" animals.
It's more than that. It has more to do with the fact that the country is in extreme denial about our consumption of protein. Face it, most protein walks. Protein barks and baas and whinnies and moos and mews and chirps. We are protein ourselves. Big, strapping hunks of protein that we have cleverly put off-limits to human consumption.
We are civilized, damn it. We aren't cannibals. There are certain types of protein we Americans simply won't eat on moral grounds: humans, dogs, cats, rats, mice, whale, porpoises, elephant, zebra, rhino, monkey, shrew, skink . . . well, it's a pretty impressive list.
And we have another, shorter list of animals we will eat: cow, pig, sheep, chicken and fish.
Ah, but there is another list that we hate to talk about. That's the list of other protein producing animals that have occasionally slipped onto our dinner tables throughout history and even today. They include horse, frog, and, yes, those rascally rabbits.
Horse? Yep. People lined up around the block in Portland, Ore., several years back when a butcher began selling horse meat.
Frogs, at least the legs, are always hopping onto restaurant menus around the country.
And rabbit seems to make periodic comebacks as a protein du jour. And when it does, it throws us into this agonizing moral dilemma. Why won't Americans eat rabbit? Is it just because they are a member of the "cute group" of proteins?
No. It's because those marginally consumed animals make us realize that our entire system of choosing which animals are OK to eat is completely arbitrary. In our gut, we know that. But we'd rather not think about it. We'd rather go on eating our burgers and steaks without having to think about where they came from. That's why we don't say we are "eating cow" when we ravage a rump roast.
So, I'm going to give all you rabbit producers and cooks who want us to start basting Bugs the same advice I gave the people who wanted us to start eating ostrich: come up with some better names for your product.
To the ostrich growers, I suggested they invent names like Fleet Meat, Skedaddle Dumplings and Turbo Chops.
Rabbit ranchers are going to have to do the same thing: come up with delicious-sounding names that capture the essence of rabbithood while helping us keep our mind off the fact that our dinner was hopping through the yard earlier in the day.
Off the top of my head, I can only think of a few, like Gnawsome Gnuggets, Lucky Chunks, Hippity Hocks, Speed Breed Brisket, Briar Patch Prosciutto, Roast Clover Rover, Wild Warren Buffet, Baron of Bugs, Fursky 'n' Hutch, Frisky Filet, Jack Flaps and Angora Gumbo.
OK. They aren't great, but you get the idea. If you chefs want us to believe that cute, cuddly animals are the perfect meat, you are going to have to make them sound perfectly tasty first.