I'VE always been enthralled by those match-making classifieds, in part because I've never had to use them. Pathetic loser seeking
same (or worse)It's not that I wouldn't use them. I mean, if I were single and every other avenue of meeting someone I could be reasonably sure wasn't an ax murderer had dried up, I guess I'd consider dropping my bait in that vast sea of the desperate -- the personal ads.
Frankly, those ads scare me. I feel like a potential victim simply reading through the love-wanted classifieds.
I guess the main problem is that the ads purport to be truthful but they reek of dishonesty. And the people who place and reply to the ads know that. They are professional code makers and breakers. It was easier to break the Nazi's Enigma coding machine than to decipher some personal want ads.
I don't understand how any real relationship can start out built on the verbal quicksand of a personal ad. Everyone knows that the ads are just a little bit, if not completely, false.
So the trick is to try to figure out just how misleading they are.
The first thing you notice about personal ads is that men place ads which talk a lot about themselves and they aren't that picky about who responds.
THE average man-made ad goes: "Handsome, virile, trim, tall, clean, patient, understanding, smart, brilliant, self-deprecating and humble. If you're a woman and you're breathing, I'm looking for you. (Breathing optional.)"
The average woman's ad goes: "SWF seeks handsome, virile, trim, tall, clean, patient, understanding, smart, brilliant, disease-free non-smoker."
The ads actually use a lot of abbreviations, such as SWF (single white female); ISO (in search of); N/S (non-smoker); N/D (non-drinker).
They don't have shorthand that actually would be truthful, like TL (total loser); SA (slobbers a lot); FI (former inmate); or, the one I think is most important, HAM (homicidal ax murderer.)
Other codes are easier to figure out. "Full figured" means "Goodyear blimp-like;" "sincere" means "more boring than a dirt clod;" "pulchritudinous" means "I'm a jerk."
I saw one recently in which the author actually started by saying he had "nice eyes and teeth." Godzilla had nice eyes and teeth.
Even the people who seem to be honest are probably being misleading. The person who claimed to be Rosie O'Donnell-like, most likely didn't mean she has her own television show. She means she's a bit on the hefty side. But if she admits to Rosie O'Donnell, is she actually Roseanne-like? Or Shelly Winters-like?
And the guys are even worse. Every guy who places an ad enjoys the beach, movies, long walks and dancing. And I'll bet he likes those things right up until he snags his mate. Then all of a sudden he enjoys couching, beering, belching and scratching.
I don't even want to go into the gay ads. Every gay man placing an ad enjoys working out, hanging out and flat stomachs. You never see an ad that says, "fat, gay slob seeking little buddy."
There aren't many "women seeking women" ads because I think most women seeking women are smart enough to do it without having to pay for it.
Then there are other advertisements that fall into a world I know nothing about.
There are dominatrixes seeking "slave boys" and guys seeking to "date" at least 50 women at a go and at least one "simpering, whiny, submissive wimp needs to be punished by Amazonian female warlord into liquid latex."
On the other hand, those might be the only honest ads in the whole classified section.