STATE Sen. Lehua Fernandes Salling is the latest victim of what is becoming a common sight in Hawaii: the political drive-by shooting. If you’re not in the gang,
you’re goneFernandes Salling was gunned down from her post as co-chair-woman-person of the Senate's Powerful Ways And Means Committee. (An astute observer friend pointed out there is no longer a committee called Ways and Means. It now is officially the Powerful Ways and Means Committee, since that's the only way it's referred to by the media.)
It was something of a surprise that Fernandes Salling was gunned down, considering she was a co-chair-da-kine of the committee and the entire purpose of having co-chairs was so that no one would know exactly who to shoot at when things got hairy. Of course, it was assumed the gunfire would be coming from the outside, not from fellow gang-members.
Because Fernandes Salling was so easily picked off, there will no doubt be calls for Tri- or even Quadra-chair-personships of the committees since obviously having two exalted leaders of each committee isn't safe enough.
Authorities have no leads to who specifically was responsible for the drive-by. They know only it was probably the work of a faceless gang called the "Democratic Caucus." A "caucus" is the same thing as a "gang" except it has a lot more firepower and a tendency to hang out at pupu parties and on golf courses.
I'm no Columbo, but I've had some experience at solving crime mysteries. So I called a buddy over in the detective division to offer my services.
I told him I'd question Senate President Norman Mizuguchi, seeing as he's head of the whole Senate outfit.
"No good," he said. "Saw Mizuguchi on the tube and he said he wasn't involved. Said the hit was planned by a group."
Ah, how convenient, I thought. In the old days, Mizuguchi was willing to stick his neck out. Why, he had even proposed shipboard gambling, even though most people in Hawaii didn't want gambling. When the political ax fell, he yanked his head in faster than a turtle on crystal meth and hasn't stuck it out since. He's found it's best to lead by hiding.
Camouflage, that's the ticket to survival today. Fernandes Salling thought she was hidden safely in the weeds of a co-chair-what-cha-ma-call-it but she stuck her head up and, blammo. She was a goner.
Now all the other little co-chair-thingies will be hunkered down in their duck blinds, afraid to even make a squeak for fear that the mysterious and anonymous "group" will blast 'em.
This is a brilliant plan, by the way. The leaders deny that they are leaders. Any complaints or rebellion are met with swift retribution by unnamed gang members. And there is no discussion with others who don't hang out with the gang, even if they wear the official gang colors.
As gang member and Senate Judiciary Co-Chair-Enforcer-Type-Person Matt Matsunaga told witnesses to the Fernandes Salling drive-by: "It should come as no surprise that Mizuguchi didn't consult with the Senate rebels. They don't come to the caucuses. It's obvious they want to block the train."
To translate from gang jargon: "They don't hang with the gang, so they get run over."
What's the public to make of this? Nothing. In the old days of politics, you could throw the bums out.
But now, they're all hidin' in the weeds of co-chairmanships, midnight coups and anonymous drive-bys. You can't tell who the bums are. There's just one big group, kind of like "Bums-in-a-bag," who, like poi, can be poked and prodded but can't be held accountable for anything.
If I were Fernandes Salling, I'd either plead for forgiveness or invest in Kevlar.