Honolulu Lite

by Charles Memminger

Friday, April 4, 1997

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Do-nothing legislators
are the best kind

I'VE always said that it would be better, and cheaper, for everyone who lives in Hawaii if we simply paid state legislators not to meet.

There is overwhelming evidence that every time this group of bozos gets together, it costs us money.

But state Sens. Avery Chumbley and Matt Matsunaga have proven to me through their proposed ground-breaking, same-sex marriage legislation that it is possible for legislators to meet and do absolutely nothing.

The trick is to come up with legislation that looks like bills, smells like bills, reads like bills but actually aren't bills. The same-sex marriage bill that Matsunaga and Chumbley have come up with actually is only a loose collection of serious-sounding words that ultimately punt the same-sex marriage issue directly into another branch of government, the courts.

It says, basically, that the Legislature has the power to restrict marriage to heterosexuals as long as it does not deprive any person of civil rights on the basis of sex.

In the big-time world of professional writing, that's what's called a self-nullifying sentence. It's kind of like saying, "If we had eggs, we could have ham and eggs. If we had ham."

But I'm not complaining. I'd rather have them coming up with nonsensical bills that don't actually do anything instead of bills that pick our pockets. I'm not even insulted that Matt and Avery think so little of voters that they assumed they could run this shibai up the flag pole and no one would even notice.

In fact, I believe their same-sex marriage bill should be a model for other legislation. Think of the possibilities:

A bill making prostitution illegal, as long as it does not deprive any male or female of the right to charge money in return for sex.

A bill regulating gun ownership, as long as it does not interfere with any citizen's perceived federal constitutional right to bear arms.

A bill banning abortion, as long as it does not interfere with a woman's right to choose to abort a child or not.

A bill setting speed limits, as long as it does not deprive any person of the right to drive at whatever speed they deem safe.

A bill ordering refrigeration of bentos and sushi, as long as it does not deprive the owners of mom-and-pop stores the right to keep bentos and sushi on unrefrigerated shelves.

A bill restricting operation of massage parlors in residential neighborhoods, as long as it does not deprive anyone of the right to rub anyone they want for money anywhere.

A bill barring nudity in public, as long as it does not deprive anyone of their civil rights of free expression.

A bill making the growing and distribution of marijuana a felony, as long as it does not interfere with anyone's right to use natural herbs for medicinal, religious or recreational purposes.

A bill baring anyone from enjoying so-called "high three" benefits, as long as they do not now, did not previously, or will not in the future hold public office.

A bill assuring that religious cult members do not commit suicide, unless suicide is considered a sacred part of their religious practice.

A bill giving the state the power regulate everything, as long as there is no possible violation of anyone's rights on any grounds. (And, even if it does, it's the courts' problem.)

A bill empowering legislators to insult and demean voters by coming up with phony-baloney bills that actually are designed to do nothing but provide a smoke screen and pass the buck to other branches of government.

With the new Matsunaga/Chumbley Legislative Model, there is no issue that can't be ignored.