Honolulu Lite










by Charles Memminger

Wednesday, January 22, 1997


Let freedom
to be me reign

IT'S that time of year when we hear all about the state of the union, state of the state, state of the city and the state of just about everything else.

And so, as has become a tradition in my household, I arose the other morning to give my annual State of My Body Address. My body used to eagerly look forward to this address. Now, there is a lot of murmuring and grousing from the various body departments as the gavel slams down and the Teleprompter in the bathroom begins running. It went something like this:

"My fellow body parts, it gives me great pleasure once again to be your mouthpiece. (Low rumble of acknowledgment.)

"The Department of Brain and I have worked hard throughout the year to represent your interests to the various doctors, pharmacists and other health industry representatives to assure that each of you are able to perform at your highest level. Our goal is to walk with dignity over that bridge to the next century. It's not necessary to run over that bridge, especially at our age. But by the same token, we don't want to hobble, limp or crawl over that bridge. In recognition of that goal, we'd like to go over some of the developments of the past year and provide a vision for the future.

"First of all, we know that some of you feel we are not getting the benefit of all the new exercise equipment on the market. Research by the Department of Brain has shown that these machines have little long-term effect on the body. So we will not be getting an Ab Roller. The fact is, we already have Abs of Steel. They are just hidden by the Tummy of Tofu. Which is just around the corner from the Buns of Blubber. This is not a criticism. It's just recognition of a few problem areas. So, buns, don't start blubbering.

"It was a very good year for some of you. Specifically, the departments of knees, ankles, toes, elbows, wrists, fingernails and ears provided laudable service during the past year. The Department of Calves need to work on that middle-of-the-night cramping problem and the Department of Teeth need to try to hang on to those fillings a bit longer.

"The Division of Internal Organs seems to be functioning efficiently. The Department of Brain realizes that when it approves the ingestion of certain liquid substances the Division of Internal Organs suffers. But you do a good job of notifying the Department of Brain of your discomfort. So much so that on a few days, the Department of Brain decided to keep the entire body horizontal for a 35-hour period. Spleen, kidneys, lungs and heart were consistently outstanding. We ask that you stop hazing your fellow organs. Specifically, do not refer to your fellow organ as the "Liver of Lava Rock."

S usual, we will brief you on the fine work by the Department of Sexual Function during executive session, because these are personnel matters involving the right of privacy. But we feel the Department of Sexual Function deserves some public recognition of its outstanding performance. And so, we'll just say, 'Way to go, fellas.'

"The Office of Hair also had a particularly good year. It not only held its own on top of the head, but began new colonies in the ears, nose and parts of the back.

"And so, overall, we'd say the State of the Body is good. There is room for some improvement, certainly. But we are ambulatory. The Committees on Chemical Analysis report cholesterol and other serum levels within safe operational parameters. And our external surfaces are generally free of obscurities.

As we approach the end of this millennium, we encourage you to continue strive to be the best body parts you can be. Remember, ask not what your body can do for you, but what you can do for your body. Thank you. Have a nice day. And now, hit the showers."

(Wild applause.)



Charles Memminger, winner of National Society of Newspaper Columnists awards in 1994 and 1992, writes "Honolulu Lite" Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Write to him at the Honolulu Star-Bulletin, P.O. Box 3080, Honolulu, 96802 or send E-mail to charley@nomayo.com or 71224.113@compuserve.com.



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