by Charles Memminger
Friday, November 15, 1996
Some of my buddies on the Honolulu City Council believe all I ever do is criticize them, harass them, find fault with their decisions as well as chastise, browbeat and belittle their efforts. Yeah, so what's their point? Keeping
TheCriminals
off
TheBusI concede that I sometimes - all right, I often - criticize what they do, but that's just because I'm like an Army recruiter: I want them to be all that they can be. (Unlike other Army recruiters, I've never sexually harassed my troops. Or any City Council members, for that matter.)
But just to show I'm a nice guy, I'd like to applaud their recent decision to crack down on hooligans who ride city buses. The council passed an ordinance that will put anyone who misbehaves on TheBus in jail or hit them with a large fine. Bravo.
I'm not much of a bus rider. As I've said before, I love the concept, but I can't get by the fact that riding on a bus entails having to be extremely close to large numbers of people. If you recall, the last time I tried to ride a bus, I was chased away by a man who kept spitting on the sidewalk in my general direction.
I have heard the horror stories of unruly young men who get on TheBus and cause TheTrouble, even occasionally punching out TheDrivers. I didn't really understand how they could get away with this. I assume buses have radios. Arranging to have a cop meet the bus at the next stop to arrest the jerks wouldn't seem to be a monumental logistical problem.
Anyway, now the city will have in place specific laws just for bus violators. Now, I could say the council didn't go far enough. But then people would say I'm just being negative again. I could say, if you are going to have TheBus laws, why not have an entire TheBusCourt where mass-transit miscreants would face justice. And after appearing before TheBusJudge they would be taken, by TheBus, of course, to TheBusPrison. TheBusPrison would be composed of long, narrow rooms, where TheBusPrisoners would have to sleep on little bus-like seats and be subject to all kinds of really bad poetry and art displayed on little posters above their beds.
But I think that would be going too far. My only fine-tuning suggestion would be regarding the enforcement arm of this new law. The problem is that TheBusDrivers should not be in the business of controlling TheBusCriminals. They are driving TheBus, which is enough of a responsibility. You don't see airline pilots leaving the cockpit to discipline some guy in economy class who's had too many Mai Tais. That's why they have flight attendants.
Now, I don't think there needs to be a cop or even a security guard on every bus. That could be too expensive. I think, basically, all TheBuses need are lifeguards.
That's right. All you'd have to do is expand the city and county lifeguard squad. On each bus there'd be a little orange tower in the back and the lifeguard would sit there with a whistle and megaphone, just like at Ala Moana beach. If he saw some punk spilling his soda or rough-housing with his seat mate, he'd get on the bull horn and say, "Hey there! Knock it off! One more violation and you're outta the bus!"
If the trouble maker continued to cause trouble, the lifeguard would get on his radio and call the cops, just like he does on the beach. This would be great for the lifeguards, since they
wouldn't have to get wet or wear sun block. It would be great for the drivers since they wouldn't have to take their eyes off the road to act as quasi-cops. And it would be great for passengers, who would have a sense of security.
So, I'm not being critical, council members. You did a good thing. But when you are done making TheBus safe, maybe you can station lifeguards at all major traffic intersections. Why should the beaches be the only place where lives are guarded?
