LAST night was frightful, indeed.
Ghoulish sights were a fright on Halloween night
And I didn't even go out on this Halloween.
But you should have seen some of the scary people who came to my door looking for treats.
This year was even stranger than normal, however.
The first time the doorbell rang, I was stunned to see our old friend Bob Wagner.
He was wearing a fake beard and mustache, but I knew it was him when he said: "Trick or treat or what-not." Then he handed me a bomb with the fuse lit before tripping over the hedges on the way out.
Fortunately, the bomb was a dud and I turned it into a fine paperweight.
Next at my door was Hawaii's largest lad, sumo champion Akebono. He was dressed as a ballerina, but it didn't fool me a bit - especially when he walked into my kitchen and carried away the entire refrigerator.
Then a trick-or-treater appeared, wearing only a barrel. It was our fine University of Hawaii athletic director Hugh Yoshida.
"This is to show how broke we are," he said. "Plus, Fred vonAppen made me give him my last pair of pants and aloha shirt."
I felt sorry for Hugh and gave him 50 cents instead of candy.
WELL, the next guy was a surprise. It was Riley Wallace - and he was disguised as a head basketball coach.
And walking with Riley was his center, Seth Sundberg, who was dressed up like Frankenstein.
"This guy is going to be scary this year," Wallace joked, as Sundberg tried to leap over a gecko that scurried under his feet.
I gave them a book on basic basketball tips instead of candy and they left, while I scraped up the poor gecko from the stoop.
Then the bell rang again and it was vonAppen. He was dressed in an airline pilot's uniform.
"I was gonna wear Yoshida's shirt and pants, but they were too small," he said. "And there wasn't any money in his pockets."
Right behind vonAppen was Glenn Freitas, who was in his quarterback outfit. When I handed him some candy, though, he dropped it. And then he tried to throw it back into the bowl, but it sailed about six feet high and landed behind my couch.
Then, out of nowhere, UH assistant Doug Semones leaped from the bushes and knocked me down.
"This is how you're supposed to tackle," he screamed in my face.
When he got up, I drop-kicked some candy to him and it sailed right through his arms.
"No fair punting when I wasn't ready," he said, before running down the street, his arms waving wildly in the air.
WHY here comes another fellow from UH, the president himself. Except that Kenneth Mortimer was dressed as a sheriff from the old west.
He held up a wanted poster with a picture of none other than Riley Wallace on it.
"Have you seen this varmint?" Mortimer asked. "He's gonna have until sundown to get out of town as soon as the basketball season is over."
The parade of Rainbows continued. This time it was assistant athletic director Marilyn Moniz-Kahoohanohano. Her costume was the Wicked Witch of the West.
"I'll get you," she said to Yoshida, who had gotten lost and returned. "And your men's programs, too!"
Then she started chasing Yoshida on a broomstick down the street, but they both crashed into Semones and went down in a heap.
Mortimer and Wallace ran up to see what was happening and suddenly started exchanging punches, which brought Wagner running. VonAppen joined the fray and started pummeling Wagner for leaving him with such lousy players.
Fortunately, the police arrived and broke it up. So I closed my door, turned out the porch light and went to get a beer out of my refrigerator.
Darn that Akebono.