by Charles Memminger
Friday, September 27, 1996
Question: Mister, don't you sort of feel bad for the Kurds in a way, huh?
Answer: I do. Their poor nation is spread out over Iran, Iraq, Turkey and God knows where else. They are attacked from every side. The United States comes to their aid and moves them to Guam. Even Moses didn't have to go to Guam.
Q: Mister, I resent your baseless attack on Guam. Guam is paradise. It has everything Hawaii does and more, including interesting snakes, rascally plants that will strap you to your lawn chair and geckos the size of gators. Plus, thanks to the snakes, we don't have a bunch of pesky birds chattering everywhere. Have you ever been to Guam, huh?
A: I have. And your description of it is accurate. Unfortunately, while the Kurds are desert nomads, I suspect even they may have a hard time adjusting to Guam's luxurious heat.
Q: Mister, I'm tired of everyone picking on Bob Dole's age. When he fell off that stage last week, people laughed and said it showed he was infirm. For the record, he didn't accidentally fall off the stage. In an effort to woo younger voters, he attempted to dive into the mosh pit. It's just that nobody caught him. Were you aware of that, huh?
A: I wasn't. And that explains his comment afterward: "Nobody catch Bob Dole. Bob Dole not dive off stage again."
Q: I think Bob Dole's new slogan - Just Don't Do It! - doesn't quite do it. You got any other suggestions, huh?
A: I do. I mean, if presidential candidates are going to insist on having annoying, whiny slogans, why cut corners? How about: "Watch Out! For God's Sake!" or "Knock It Off, For Cryin' Out Loud!" or a simple, high-pitched "Stop It!"
Q: Mister, Bill Clinton says that women should be able to stay in the hospital for two days after giving birth. This shows how much men dominate the medical profession. Hell, I know men who stay in bed for two days after a bad hangover! And Clinton gets a reputation as a friend of women because of this stand, huh?
A: He does. As an enlightened, sensitive male, I say, if you give birth, heck, take the week off.
Q: Mister, man is O.J. Simpson getting a raw deal in this civil trial! That judge is putting people on the jury as long as they have a pulse! One lady said she was sure O.J. was a wife beater and murderer and the judge said, "Hop in the box! You're a juror!" Can O.J. get a worse jury, huh?
A: He can. Former KKK head David Duke could be made jury foreman. And judging from jury selection so far, that's not an impossibility.
Q: Mister, I see that Kuwait is going to build an electric fence on its border with Iraq. Is this a good idea, huh?
A: Oh, yeah. It's a great idea. We sent 500,000 troops to save Kuwait's butt when all we really needed to do was erect an electric fence. That will hold back Iraq's elite Republican Guard. I can just see Saddam's guys charging forward and stopping at the fence. "Uh oh. Electric fence. Can't go any further. Don't touch it, you'll get shocked." What's next? Is Kuwait going to guard its tanks by installing The Club?
Q: Mister, do you know the difference between the Iraq's elite Republican Guard and the Republican National Committee, huh?
A: I do. One is a heavily armed group of right-wing military fanatics. The other lives in the desert.
