Honolulu Lite

by Charles Memminger

Monday, May 24, 1996

Are things out of whack? Ask Mister Huh?

BOB Dole has quit the Senate, taken off his coat, rolled up his sleeves and begun his quest for the Holy Grail: a personality.

Bill Clinton keeps popping up behind Republican press conferences yelling "Ditto! Ditto! That goes for me, too!" What better time to go to the mailbag to find out what's knocking around in the sometimes large and roomy heads of readers. So strap yourself in for another wild ride in that Crazyland fun park called "Mister Huh?."

Question: Mister, there seems to be a difference of opinion in the animal rights community as to what constitutes cruelty to our four-footed friends. Animal Rights Hawaii is against an alligator wrestling show planned for the 50th State Fair. But the San Francisco Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals is SPONSORING an attempt to get into the Guinness Book of World Records by having 500 dogs "sit" and "stay" at one time. Isn't the dog deal nothing more than exploitation of animals for entertainment purposes, huh?

Answer: I don't understand the hubbub over alligator wrestling. It's not like they are opening an elephant-shooting booth or something. And it's hard to have a lot of sympathy for something wallets are made of. But you may have hit on a way we can solve this alligator wrestling mess. I suggest they bring in 500 alligators for the fair and have them all "sit, stay and shake hands" at the same time. Of course, I don't want to be the guy shaking their hands.

Question: Mister, I think it's great that that guy is using a helicopter to hang lighted signs over Waikiki at night. What's wrong with an entreprenuer coming up with a dramatic, unique way of advertising in these economic hard times, huh?

Answer: I suppose another "dramatic and unique" way of advertising would be if I took off my pants and walked through Waikiki with advertisements written on my butt. However, I don't think that's exactly what tourists want to see after paying a lot of money to come here -just like they don't want to see some stupid advertisements in the night sky when they take a romantic stroll along Waikiki Beach. I suggest tourists and residents boycott any business that uses the offensive helicopter advertising and the problem will take care of itself.

Question: Mister, Bill Clinton's got a lot of guts urging companies to be fair to workers, considering he fired all the workers in the White House Travel Office and sicced the FBI on them. Don't people remember that, huh?

Answer: No.

Question: Mister, let me get this straight. A guy takes a couple of strippers over to Kauai; the strippers rub up against some customers in what is popularly called "lap dancing;" the strippers are busted; the cops fondle the strippers in the jailhouse and take pictures of them; the strippers aren't charged with anything; the cops aren't charged with anything; the guy who brought the strippers to Kauai is charged with prostitution, even though no sex act actually took place; the guy is convicted and the guy is sentenced to 10 years in prison. Ten years. Ten. I know of a woman who killed her boyfriend and husband and she only did three years in prison. I know of a guy on Oahu who killed someone with a baseball bat who got one year in prison. This poor jerk gets TEN YEARS for paying the airfare to Kauai for a couple of strippers who did nothing but dance. Am I overreacting, or is something just a little out of whack here, huh?

Answer: You're overreacting. He'll only do 91/2.

Question: Mister, as I understand prostitution, it takes two to tango. So how come the Kauai police didn't bust the fellow in who's lap the dancer was dancing, huh?

Answer: He wouldn't have posed for pictures in the cellblock.

Charles Memminger, winner of National Society of Newspaper Columnists awards in 1994 and 1992, writes "Honolulu Lite" Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Write to him at the Honolulu Star-Bulletin, P.O. Box 3080, Honolulu, 96802 or send E-mail to 71224.113@compuserve.com.

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Honolulu Lite by Charles Memminger is a regular feature of the
Honolulu Star-Bulletin. © 1996 All rights reserved.


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