Digital Slob Curt Brandao

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Hackers play cosmic dice and all is new

Scientists turned on the atom-smashing, Large Hadron Collider near Geneva on Wednesday, and minutes later it was clear: If Ph.D.s don't end the world, hackers will.

Wired.com reports that the "Group 2600" of the Greek Security Team was "pulling the pants down" on the LHC mere moments after it booted up.

The cyberintruders supposedly were stopped before any harm was done (anything from destroying Earth to filling the 11th dimension with spam), but I'm not so sure.

Ever since last week, I've been sensing tiny inconsistencies in my own little universe that I think add up to something bigger. What if collider-crazed hackers already created a black hole and instantly sucked us all into a different reality?

I think I've compiled quite a mound of evidence. And if you don't concur, I'll have no choice but to conclude you're part of the problem:

» Last February in the old universe, I bought my wife a chunky, squarish iPod Nano for her birthday. On Saturday morning, in this universe, I saw she now has a rectangular one with a vertical screen. Nanos are supposed to be chunky! Why won't anyone believe me?

» This universe's Britney Spears can take the stage at the Video Music Awards and remain there without stirring fears she might at any moment collapse and need medical assistance.

» My office bathroom's toilet paper in this universe is spooled to be pulled from the bottom, not the top. Long story short: I was 10 minutes late for an important meeting Friday. Also, the meeting attendees in the other universe would've understood the delay; the ones in this universe did not.

» In this universe, the J.J. Abrams action-drama TV series starring a beautiful actress portraying a top-level federal agent who's betrayed by lovers while trying to untangle a global conspiracy based on pseudoscience is called "Fringe," not "Alias."

» While surfing the Web on Thursday, I said something snarky to my wife, and rather than throw something semihard at the back of my head, in this universe she just laughed.

» In the old universe, Al Pacino and Robert De Niro made good movies.

» In the old universe I hated Ben & Jerry's Coffee Heath Bar Crunch (which is why my wife bought it, to keep it to herself). But Thursday night, in this universe, I ate almost an entire pint while she slept.

» In the old universe, Jerry Seinfeld could do no wrong and had a hit TV show with a Mac as a prop in his apartment. In this universe, he hangs out with Bill Gates eating churros and trying on shoes in long commercials that Microsoft must buy time for to get anyone to watch.

» In this universe, putting lipstick on a pig apparently is a felony.

» On Friday morning, as I surfed the Web, my wife hit me on the head with a mostly empty Ben & Jerry's Coffee Heath Bar Crunch container -- seemingly for no reason whatsoever.

» In this universe, I got a Facebook friend request from a guy who says we were college roommates for two semesters. I have no idea who he is. I sent him a message that I would add him, but only if his iPod Nano is chunky.