Welcome back, Obama; avoid the mac ‘salad’
With Hawaii's favorite son and the Worldwide I Hate Mayonnaise Club's most famous member back in the islands for vacation, I tasked the Honolulu Lite Department of Rest, Relaxation, Pupus and Drinks With Umbrellas in Them to come up with some tips to help Barack Obama enjoy his short stay here.
» Tip No. 1: Since you were drafted into the Worldwide I Hate Mayonnaise Club, Hawaii's stature as center of the mayo-eating universe has been severely undermined. That honor now goes, I believe, to Japan, where mayo is sold in large, toothpaste-type tubes and is spread on everything from dried squid to squeaky bicycle parts. But mayo is still ubiquitous in Hawaii, and you will have a hard time avoiding it. You no doubt will have plate lunches forced upon you for photo ops, so just remember that "mac salad" is NOT salad; it's nothing more than macaroni noodles and tons of mayo. Ask for brown rice instead.
It also is alleged that a certain local fast-food eatery (my lawyer prevents me from naming the culprit) puts mayo in its famous chili. I don't know if that's true, but I would suggest you avoid any chili from restaurants that rhyme with "hippies." It also will be impossible for you to get any hamburger, BLT, ahi or teri-beef sandwich without mayo, no matter how many times you send back the offending items. Also, avoid going to Costco, where they sell mayo in 55-gallon drums, because once you see one, you'll probably have nightmares about it.
» Tip No. 2: When going to the beach, don't take your shirt off again because you will just alienate the Huge Flabby Gut Vote. A lot of voters have huge, flabby guts and don't want to be reminded of it. In short, don't flash six-pack abs in front of 12-pack bellies.
» Tip No. 3: If you happen to run into any Republicans, which is unlikely, be kind to them because in Hawaii they are considered an endangered species. Like sea turtles, Republicans enjoy special protection and, when stationary, are usually marked off with yellow tape.
» Tip No. 4: Visit Hawaii's newest action-adventure theme park, Six Flags over Dog Chapman. Plenty of thrills, spills and the occasional lawsuit.
» Tip No. 5: If someone asks you your position on light rail transit for Oahu, which is a very controversial topic right now, point into the distance and say, "Hey, is that a nene bird?"
» Tip No. 6: Because of global warming, the sun in Hawaii is extremely hot. Use plenty of sunblock, preferably the stuff they spread on the underside of the Space Shuttle to keep it from burning up when it re-enters Earth's atmosphere.
» Tip No. 7: Pose for a photo in front of "Bill Clinton's Tree" at the Luana Hills Country Club on the Windward side. It was planted in his "honor" after he played golf there once while president. You gotta see this tree!
» Tip No. 8: Take a nice long walk with your wife on a deserted beach. You might have to sneak off to Niihau to do it, but it will be worth it.
Buy Charles Memminger's hilarious new book, "Hey, Waiter, There's An Umbrella In My Drink!" at island book stores or online
at any book retailer. E-mail him at email@example.com