In retrospect, boy named Sue had it easy
In an outrageous affront to our state, a New Zealand judge took custody away from the parents of a 9-year-old girl because they named her Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii.
The judge had the audacity to suggest that Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii was an embarrassing name that made the girl seem foolish to her friends, according to wire-service reports.
That's just silly. Now, if her name had been Cockeyed Julie from Kahului he might have a point. But I suspect the judge might be a tad sensitive about names, considering his is Tom Murfitt. Murfitt sounds like the noise made when you sit on a whoopee cushion. (Murrrrffffittttttttt! HAHAHAHAAHA!)
The judge took little Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii away from her parents so that her name could legally be changed to the less embarrassing Talula Does The Hula From Auckland. Just kidding. We don't know what they changed the girl's name to because they are keeping it secret.
She never actually told her friends that her name was Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii because she was afraid she would be asked to perform at all Hawaii-themed parties in New Zealand. Just kidding. But that could have been a lucrative career when you think about it. She's been telling her friends her name is simply "K," which, with a bit of tweaking would make a great Hawaii pidgin name - 'K-Den.
Judge Murfitt (HAHAHAHAHA!) was upset because many New Zealand parents apparently are giving their kids goofy names. He listed some of them as (and we aren't kidding here): Yeah Detroit, Keenan Got Lucy, Sex Fruit, Twisty Poi and Fish and Chips. I don't think these names are particularly outrageous when you consider the culture of New Zealand, that culture being that mostly everyone there is drunk pretty much all the time.
Twisty Poi, I'm pretty sure, is a rock band on Maui. Or should be.
I myself have a colorful middle name that don't really talk about. It's Charley Gets Gnarly On A Harley, which beat out my parents' initial choice, which began with "Chucky."
A lot of people have unusual names and it actually helps their careers. Cher did OK. So did Captain Kangaroo and Wolfgang Amadeus "Pookie" Mozart. River Phoenix was a great actor. Wait, he's not a good example since he died of an overdose of heroin and cocaine at age 23. Some say he was depressed because he wasn't named Tributary Tucson or Flume-ride Flagstaff.
Rocker Frank Zappa named his kids Dweezil, Moon Unit, Ahmet Emuukha Rodan and Diva Thin Muffin Pigeen. The Zappa children never would have reached the level of professional obscurity they've achieved if they had been named Tom, Dick, Suzy and The Dweezemeister.
Frank Zappa is just lucky he didn't live in New Zealand at the time he named his children or else Judge Murfitt (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!) probably would have had him lashed and thrown into prison.
Buy Charles Memminger's hilarious new book, "Hey, Waiter, There's An Umbrella In My Drink!" at island book stores or online
at any book retailer. E-mail him at firstname.lastname@example.org