Honolulu Lite Charles Memminger

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Eight rules for a driving daughter

Something of a late bloomer on the driving scene, my 20-year-old daughter will soon be taking her road test, so I'm going through the usual pre-traumatic stress pangs all fathers suffer when they are about to release their daughters of whatever age alone onto the wild and woolly roadways of Honolulu.

I think we can all agree that Hawaii drivers are the worst in the world. Rarely having to face hazards like snow, black ice or a deer suddenly crossing the road, Hawaii drivers have come to believe that a few drops of rain are reason to hit the brakes and travel at speeds slower than a three-legged mongoose, and that highway onramps are good places to spend the day enjoying a plate lunch or contemplating their navels.

I feel compelled to condense some of the greatest roadway dangers in Hawaii into a short list to present to my daughter to help her prepare for insanity she will soon face. So, with apologies to my columnist colleague W. Bruce Cameron, here are my "8 Simple Rules for My Driving Daughter."

» No. 1: Assume all other drivers are wild-eyed, gibbering, fingernail-gnawing lunatics out to get you. Some might not be, but those will be refreshing exceptions.

» No. 2: There are four major types of liars: congenital, pathological, compulsive and anyone driving a car in your general vicinity. Never believe any signal, gesture, nod or hand sign these people emit. If they have their right-turn blinker on, assume they'll be turning left. If they wave you onto the street, assume they will cut you off anyway. If they speed up on a freeway onramp as if to merge with traffic, assume they will slam on the brakes at the last moment.

» No. 3: Assume everyone at a four-way stop hates your car and wants to crash into it. You'll be right 75 percent of the time.

» No. 4: Remember a car is not an office, restaurant, restroom or nightclub. Save the eating, dancing, phone calls and preening for later. Drive the vehicle.

» No. 5: Assume that roadway lane markers are no more than hypothetical suggestions to your fellow drivers. Most drivers think the bumping sound they hear and feel while riding on top of raised lane markers is a musical bass beat coming from their iPods. Their ability to ride directly upon these lane bumps for miles on end is a feat that even the high-wire-walking Flying Wallendas couldn't duplicate.

» No. 6: Never forget that the distance from another car to your back bumper is directly proportional to the amount of insurance coverage the other driver doesn't have. Given a choice between insurance and 18-megaton stereo speakers or back air foils, your younger idiot drivers will opt for the speakers and air foils.

» No. 7: Never swerve to avoid mynah birds, feral chickens, dogs or mongooses that might be in the road. This is just God's little test of genetic superiority. You'll notice cats never hang out in traffic.

» No. 8: Don't be nice to other drivers, it will only confuse them.