Prophets are profiting as end nears
With millions of people believing the end of the world is at hand, the hottest new "work from home" business seems to be "Doomsday Profiteer."
In fact, I wondered if I should even write this piece at all, considering a ubiquitous doomsday prophet from Texas (where else!) predicted nuclear war would begin today. I thought, Why write a column when I could probably shake down my neighbors for a few bucks to look after their houses after they are taken away in the rapture?
Yisrayl "Buffalo Bill" Hawkins is a veteran predictor of doomsday, having predicted the end of the world several times. The fact that the world hasn't ended has apparently been quite profitable for him. News reports reveal that Hawkins requires his followers to buy doomsday food and supplies from a company he owns. News reports fail to reveal why Hawkins' nickname is Buffalo Bill. One can only suppose he follows in the footsteps of those other great doomsday prophets Yeroosalum "Wild Bill" McDoogle and Yeehaaah "World Calamity Jane" Brooster.
Hawkins made his dramatic prediction of this latest beginning-of-the-end-of-the-world from his compound in Abilene, Texas, raising such questions as why do only religious cults and political dynastic families live in compounds and, more important, what in the hell is happening to Texas? The Texas tourist bureau brags, "Texas: It's Like Another Country." It's more like another planet.
Apparently you can't walk 10 feet without tripping over a religious compound in Texas. Everyone remembers David Koresh's highly flammable compound in Waco. And just recently Texas authorities arrested, I think, about 34,154 members of a polygamist cult and then had to turn them all loose because once they were removed from their sprawling compound, there was no place else in Texas to put them.
You could say letting people know a nuclear Armageddon was to begin today was awfully big of Buffalo Bill. Or, as he might put it himself, "That was big a' me."
Speaking of bigamy, Texas law enforcement recently busted Hawkins for having a tad too many wives. As apparently is mandatory with prophets for profit, he's got lots of women in his life, and insists on calling them "wives" instead of "female associates." It would be big of Hugh Hefner, a practicing multigirlfriendist, to explain to polygamists that it's cool to have lots of chicks around, just don't call them wives. In fact, don't call them at all.
An online company has come up with a great way to profit from doomsday prophesies. If you think you are going to be swept up to heaven during the rapture while your sinful friends and family stay behind, you can arrange to leave them an e-mail explaining where you've gone. For only $40 YouveBeenLeftBehind.com will alert up to 62 people that you've left them to face Armageddon on their own. Hey, Pops, don't forget to leave your bank account PIN number.
Buy Charles Memminger's hilarious new book, "Hey, Waiter, There's An Umbrella In My Drink!" at island book stores or online
at any book retailer. E-mail him at firstname.lastname@example.org