Obama newest “I Hate Mayo Club” Member
As founder and president of one of the most important and influential culinary watchdog groups on the planet -- the Worldwide I Hate Mayonnaise Club -- I am happy to introduce to you our newest member: Barack Obama.
Yes, Hawaii's own presidential hopeful went public with his dislike of mayo in a recent New York Times piece. It's too bad he didn't make the disclosure earlier because he surely would have wrapped up the Democratic presidential nomination by now, due to support from millions of anti-mayo voters across the country.
I contacted former isle Obama spokesman Brian Schatz, and he agreed to forward an official Worldwide I Hate Mayonnaise Club membership certificate to Obama, along with a cover letter in which I tell Obama, "I knew you were a gentleman of good taste but didn't realize what great taste you had until I learned recently that you, like millions of people of good taste around the world, dislike mayonnaise."
I founded the Worldwide I Hate Mayonnaise Club in 1988, and we have members from South Africa to Europe to Japan and in every state in America. Obama will officially become our biggest celebrity member, taking over that distinction from TV cook and talk show host Rachael Ray.
Club members have waged a long, lonely battle against the dreaded white gunk, so it is heartening to think that the man who has a good chance of becoming the next president of the United States, as well as the most powerful person in the world, hates mayonnaise.
Now, I know Obama is a uniter, not a divider, and that "hate" is a strong word. But I think hating mayonnaise is perfectly acceptable. Mayo is the devil's condiment, and it is morally righteous to despise it. Especially since the evil forces of mayo have slathered the disgusting glop on our food for decades without asking for permission. No other condiment is forced upon the general public in such a brazen manner. The goal of the Worldwide I Hate Mayonnaise Club is to make Planet Earth a "mayo-free zone," and having a member of our club in the White House will help us toward that goal.
The fact that Obama comes from Hawaii also is a plus. Hawaii, sadly, is the center of the mayo-eating universe. In the islands, misguided souls sploof mayo on everything from chili to teriyaki to french fries. And a disgusting mayo-laden offense to food known as "mac salad" has somehow become a staple on all plate lunches. The fact that a mayo-saturated state like Hawaii has still managed to produce at least TWO people of good taste (Obama and me) should give hope to mayo-haters everywhere.
So, welcome to the club, Mr. Obama -- or, should I say, Mr. Future Leader of the Free World -- and remember, "Just Say No Mayo."
(To other people of good taste reading this, you can get a free official membership certificate to the Worldwide I Hate Mayonnaise Club by e-mailing me at the address below.)
Buy Charles Memminger's hilarious new book, "Hey, Waiter, There's An Umbrella In My Drink!" at island book stores or online
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