Wife’s interest in SWAT gear is alarming
I'm worried about my wife. A catalog called "Atlantic Tactical (Outfitting America's Heroes)" came in the mail, addressed to her. In it you can order everything from Kevlar vests to police badges to punch daggers to 12-gauge pump-action assault shotguns. I think my wife might be planning to turn herself into a one-woman SWAT team.
I assume that there must be some kind of permits involved in ordering firearms from this outfit. But there is no warning anywhere amid the knifes, guns, pepper spray, night-vision goggles, riot shields, handcuffs and gas masks that this stuff is only for the use of military or law enforcement.
There's no legal disclaimer like "Insane People or People With Criminal Records Should Not Attempt to Order or Use Any of These Products." Everything from baby clothes to cotton balls carry legal warnings these days, but here's a catalog that allows you to equip a small army and there's not so much as a "Hey, be careful out there!"
And they are sending the catalog to HOUSEWIVES. More important, MY HOUSEWIFE.
Putting aside the fact that you likely can't just order a machine gun from these guys, Atlantic Tactical still has a lot of cool stuff that could probably get you in a lot of trouble. I mean, if my neighbor suddenly started skulking around his house in camo fatigues, body armor, a Kevlar helmet and night-vision goggles, I'd be a bit on edge.
The first thing you notice about Atlantic Tactical is that everything for sale is "tactical." I'm not even sure what that means. It sounds scary. Even the more benign items are tactical. Like the "Tactical Travel Coffee Mug." What makes a coffee mug tactical? Can it stop a bullet? There's a "Tactical Equipment Bag" that looks pretty much like a regular gym bag. I guess you can carry only tactical equipment in it, like your tactical coffee mug, your tactical sunglasses and your tactical waterproof combat boots.
You can order all kinds of tactical flashlights, like the Streamlight Stinger DS LED, which looks long enough to hit a baseball with. I think "tactical," in this sense, might mean "expensive," since the flashlight costs about $100.
If you are feeling CSI-ish, you can order your own latent-fingerprint collection kit complete with the little fluffy brush, black powder and clear "lifting tape." Or if you want to fingerprint your neighbor (or husband) directly, you can get the ink-roller kit, evidence security bags and tactical ink-remover towelettes.
If you're feeling less subtle, you can go right to the "Dynamic Entry" sledgehammers. The Thor Hammer "dynamic entry tool" ($221) looks big enough to knock down a house. The 3-foot-long, 12-pound Blackhawk Thunder Sledge seems the perfect "Hi, Honey! I'm Home!" door knocker. If you see a Jehovah's Witness coming up your sidewalk with one of these things, take the Watchtower.
I'm waiting for a tactical time to ask my wife why this catalog was sent to her. In the meantime, I'm going to be real nice.
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