Snob software sorts people by pulchritude

'Microchip, microchip on the wall. Who is the fairest of them all?" Processing ... processing. ...

...This is a glimpse of our likely future now that scientists have developed software that can tell if we're hot or not.

According to an article at physorg.com, researchers at Tel Aviv University have advanced artificial intelligence by creating a digital sexist pig, a program that can identify and interpret attractiveness in women.

The scientists first had humans rate the beauty of female faces in photographs on a 1-to-7 scale, and then uploaded the data, along with mathematical maps of each subject's facial dimensions, into the computer.

When the software program was given a new set of faces, it proved just as capable as the human judges at culling the cheerleaders from the flag girls.

Apparently, because there's more dissent in humankind about what makes a man's face beautiful, it's harder to get the computer to judge men as well.

The math goes all the way back to Pythagoras and his Golden Ratio (1:1.618), a theory that supposedly breaks down the beautiful parts of the universe into proportional sets of rectangles and triangles.

It explains the shape of everything from the iPod to the monolith in "2001: A Space Odyssey." It governs the forms inside both the ancient pyramids and a common conch shell.

And, arguably, it's why Christie's is auctioning a nude photo of the French president's second wife and not his first one.

To take this final facial leap of faith, you have to subscribe to researcher Stephen Marquardt's controversial addendum to the Golden Ratio: It also applies to good looks. He has created a template of the perfect face on his Web site (beautyanalysis.com).

You can even overlay that template onto your own photo to measure your attractiveness. But be forewarned: The results might cause you to run into the bedroom and cry into a pillow that, ironically, is also more proportioned to the Golden Ratio than the face you're burying in it.

Still, the formula seems to make sense, and adds up when tested among our culture's many superstar icons.

Angelina Jolie's lips are exactly 1.618 times the width of her nose. Tom Cruise's head is exactly 1.618 times the width between his eyes. My waist is exactly 1.618 times the width of my pants.

But we're not all so lucky.

The research foretells a dangerous transition: Artificial intelligence will be smart enough to make us feel insecure before it's smart enough to white-lie us into a false sense of security.

Imagine an online dating service that wouldn't even let you say "hi" to people who have cheekbones a few millimeters higher than yours.

Imagine getting a text message saying you won't make it past the velvet ropes at an exclusive club while you're still more than 200 yards away.

There's a reason only fairy tale witches are cursed with mirrors that reveal the cold, hard, objective truth.

If we all had one, Snow White wouldn't stand a chance.

Curt Brandao is the Star-Bulletin's production editor. Reach him at cbrandao@starbulletin.com. See also: www.digitalslob.com