Light bulb ban leads to ‘Brave Old World’?
HONOLULU (Honolulu Lite Newswire) » Hawaii residents celebrated the state being named "The Greenest City in America" by the International Bridge-to-the-16th-Century-Save-the-Earth Foundation with a torchlight parade through Waikiki.
The parade featured the Honolulu Fire Department's new state-of-the-art horse-drawn firefighting apparatus. Since the banning several years ago of incandescent light bulbs, then mercury-filled fluorescent lights and eventually all forms of electrically powered lights, the Fire Department has become the largest county agency, with more than 3,500 pieces of firefighting equipment, each complete with advanced "Hardy-Man Water Hand Pumps." That is due mainly to the exclusive use of candles and kerosene lanterns to light all houses and businesses in the state, and, well, accidents do happen.
The Second Burning of Chinatown two weeks ago shocked citizens, but a spokescomputer for the environmental group Mo' Life o' da Land pointed out that it would have been much worse if people had been using light bulbs instead of candles.
"All that mercury, lead and other yucky stuff in electric lights would have escaped into the air, polluting our precious atmosphere, leading to the (heating/cooling/other) of our sacred planet."
The spokescomputer sniffed and turned petulant when it was pointed out that the fire wouldn't have started if electric lights were legal.
Meanwhile, the Hawaii state Legislature is proposing a ban on kerosene lamps because "they make too much light and smell stinky."
Officers of the International Bridge-to-the-16th-Century-Save-the-Earth Foundation flew into Honolulu on the group's brand-new private 450-passenger Al Gore XII Super Eco-Jet, powered exclusively by french-fry oil, pomegranate pits, good intentions and "a smidgen" (1,439,000 gallons) of Venezuelan high-test jet fuel.
The international eco-party -- discovering there was no ice to be had in Waikiki for their mai tais (members of the Hawaii Government Manual Ice-making Machine Employee Union were on strike) -- quickly departed after presenting the governor with the "Greenest City" plaque made from compressed American buffalo dung and recycled carbon-offset corporation bankruptcy documents.
Marring the festivities somewhat was news that a SWAT team from the Honolulu Environmental Sanctification, Protection and Enforcement Branch -- armed with bows, arrows, boarding axes and good intentions -- raided a Kalihi home, where a nest of anti-eco-terrorists (ages 7 though 14) were using an outlawed Honda generator to simultaneously play "Halo 2,356" and make popcorn in a modified antique RCA cabinet TV set.
The terrorists were sentenced to five years in the state Department of Attitude Correction, Butter Churning and Candle Production penal colony on Kahoolawe.
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