Poliflicks: Who really stars in that movie?
It's that time when water cooler chat turns to arguments over who the best and worst actors were in the year's various dramas, comedies, thrillers and horror shows. And the discussions have almost nothing to do with the Oscars.
Why argue about who will get an Academy Award for some stupid made-up story when the real dramas, tragedies and comedies are taking place in primary elections across the country?
Former state senator and judge Russell Blair noticed a blurring of storylines between some movies and the presidential race. Isn't the critically acclaimed "There Will Be Blood" about the showdown between Barrack Obama and "Billary" Clinton, Blair wondered.
In an e-mail I curiously came to possess, Blair imagined which presidential candidates (or spouses) would appear in which movies, such as: "No Country for Old Men," starring John McCain; "I Am Legend," with Bill Clinton; "Untraceable," staring Rudy Giuliani; and "Over Her Dead Body," with "an all-star cast featuring Dumbo and other Republican avatars, with voiceover by Michael Savage, Rush Limbaugh and Bill O'Reilly."
After rushing to my dictionary to find out what an avatar is (av'-uh-tar, noun, a bodily manifestation of a divine being ... see Bette Midler) I decided Blair was on to something. I began imagining what certain movies were REALLY about:
» "MORE Hair Spray": John Edwards loses the big presidential dance contest but his hair looks marvelous.
» "Sweeney Ron (The Demon Barber of the Beltway)": Libertarian Ron Paul savagely cuts taxes, defense spending and slits the throat of the IRS.
» "Mad, Mad, Mad Money": Hillary smuggles cash out of the Bill Clinton Presidential Library's "Dubai Appreciation Wing" in her bra to finance the last weeks of her campaign.
» "Bored of the Rings": Dennis Kucinich is hobbit Frito Bagman, who grabs for the golden presidential ring but falls short, so to speak.
» "The Bucket o' Money List": Mitt Romney, before he dies, organizes the Olympics, becomes a state governor, campaigns for president, buys a small country and runs away and joins a circus.
» "Rambo DCXXVII": Fred Thompson considers shuffling into the kitchen to liberate a bucket of fried chicken from the refrigerator, but decides to take a nap first.
» "Ground Hog Election Day": Al Gore and John Kerry relive their exact same failed presidential campaigns every single day for all eternity.
» "No Mo' Money": Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton accuse Al Gore of deliberately not inventing the Internet sooner, costing them the chance to raise as much money when they ran for president as Obama is doing.
» "The Scream 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 & 9": Starring Howard Dean.
» "Redacted": Hillary Clinton finally releases records of her work in the White House. All text in the 3,546,000 pages of documents are blacked out except for the word "is."
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