Haleiwa nixes plastic without Green Gestapo
Tuesday Honolulu Lite Notebook (Caution: Some parts could be offensive to children over 18. Gratuitous use of the word "zymurgy" possible. Some side effects might occur, including cranial swelling, out-of-focus visions of grandeur, uncontrollable weeping and sporadic loss of faith in humanity and other life forms.)
» Hasbro, will travel: Makers of the upcoming Worldwide Monopoly edition, which I savagely attacked recently for not including Honolulu in its list of cities for possible inclusion in the game, notified me that Honolulu is getting a substantial number of write-in votes. Project spokesman Toby Nelson said that while Honolulu is not among the "official" 68 cities listed on the Web site, it could end up as one of the 22 spaces on the board game. "Two spaces have been reserved on the board specifically for write-in cities," Toby said. So, Honolulu still has a chance of unseating some of the early favorites like Istanbul and Ljubljana (wherever the hell that is). Toby seems to be one of those rare company flacks, I mean, public relations executives, who has a sense of humor. He didn't get upset that I attacked the Monopoly project for dissing Honolulu. "The only thing we take seriously is 'Hungry Hungry Hippos.' We have little tolerance for humor when it comes to that game," he said.
So, go to monopoly.com and vote early and often for our fair city. Having Honolulu on a Monopoly board is the only way any of us will ever get to put up a hotel in Hawaii.
» Get mad! Get dictionary!: An angry reader wrote, "We need torte reform now!" I kindly wrote back, "I agree. But where to start? Cherry tortes? Chocolate tortes? I personally think those Hungarian nut tortes are WAY out of hand. Let's reform those first."
» Free Haleiwa (of plastic)!: All those lawmakers who think government must tax everything that moves (like bottled water) and order us to use a certain kind of light bulb in to save the planet should take a look at Haleiwa as an example of how private enterprise doesn't need the government's Green Gestapo.
North Shore business owners and private citizens want to turn Haleiwa into a "plastic-free zone," minimizing single-use plastics such as grocery bags, takeout food containers and utensils. They want to do it not only because they think it will help the environment, but because it will make that little seaside hamlet that much more appealing to visitors and residents. In other words, they think they can make money by being green.
For some reason, radical environmentalists think that the planet can only be saved through suffering and by government edict. And that turning recycling, conservation and alternate energy production into a capitalistic, money-making enterprise is a Thoreauian sin.
The "Haleiwa Experiment" (call it "voluntary environmental zymurgy," if you will) will show that public-spirited private enterprise, unhampered by elected busybodies who have never run a business, can do a better job of saving the planet than a dictatorial bureaucracy.
Buy Charles Memminger's hilarious new book, "Hey, Waiter, There's An Umbrella In My Drink!" at island book stores or online
at any book retailer. E-mail him at firstname.lastname@example.org