Honolulu left out of world Monopoly vote
The Bruddahs Parker are putting out a new Monopoly game, Monopoly World Edition, in which greedy mega-capitalists will buy up major cities around the globe -- but the Parker Bros. apparently don't think anyone would want to own Honolulu.
The makers of what unarguably is the greatest board game in the history of mankind (note to readers under 27 years old: A "board game" is one that is not played on a computer or TV screen, has no wireless controllers, joy sticks or ... ah, forget about it) are asking fans to vote on what cities should be included in the new game but offer only a list of 68. Honolulu is not included. (They say you can vote for your own "wild card" city not on the list, but that's like writing in your name as a presidential candidate -- you have zero chance of winning, and everyone thinks you're a weirdo.)
Why Kiev, Ukraine -- chiefly known for its exports of horse chestnuts (and not the good kind) -- is on the list of potential Monopoly cities, not Honolulu, is curious. I mean, would you rather own a city with sun, surf, babes and beaches, or one that hosts the annual Vulcanized Rubber and Goat Fertilizer Festival?
If Honolulu were included in the new worldwide game, it would clearly be located among the snazzy, high-end Boardwalk and Park Place spaces, while Kiev, Bogota and Riga would be along the slums of Baltic and Mediterranean avenues. (Appropriate because Riga, the capital of Latvia, actually has a Baltic Avenue. Riga, by the way, makes Kiev look like Monaco.)
OK, I'm a little bitter. But a worldwide Monopoly game is a great idea. I mean, you start by taking over Krakow, and then you accumulate cities like Brussels, Oslo, Paris ... wait ... that's a different game -- Hitleropoly.
But a game that simulates taking over the world is timely, considering many people think the End Times are at hand and an antichrist will soon form a one-world government and force everyone on the planet to use those stupid ice-cream-shaped light bulbs. (Although some apocalypse watchers think the antichrist might be happy just to fly around in his private jet with his Oscar and Nobel Peace Prize.)
Considering the collapse of the American real-estate market these days, the Parker Brahs should update the basic Monopoly game to offer Community Chest cards that read "You Get a Special Subprime Interest Rate!" or "You Get to Buy a Million-Dollar House WITH NO MONEY DOWN!" and "Oops! You're Being Foreclosed On!" (Go Directly to Homeless Shelter. Do Not Pass Go. Do Not Collect a Tax Rebate Check.)
To vote on the 22 cities to be included in the worldwide Monopoly game, visit monopoly.com. And while you're there, you can actually print your own fake money, something the U.S. government might let us do if the economy gets any worse.
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