Gas emissions concern global confab
I was a little hurt to find out I hadn't been invited to the big international conference in Hawaii this week to discuss the threat of greenhouse gases to the global environment.
After all, I'm -- and I say this as humbly as possible -- the visionary who figured out that the reason greenhouse gases are causing global climate change is because there are way too many greenhouses in the world. America is the leading maker of greenhouses worldwide, so is chiefly responsible for the destructive gases greenhouses emit. (That such dangerous gases are produced from seemingly benign plant life like bougainvillea, snap dragons and "Big Mama" hybrid tomatoes remains a scientific mystery.)
Like most American industry, the construction of greenhouses will no doubt be taken over by China, so we're pretty lucky there. Finally U.S. representatives at these kinds of climate-change symposia will be able to hang out in the hospitality suites drinking green martinis and saying, "Do you BELIEVE those Chinese? Man, they really hate the Earth. Cheers."
This week's climate summit includes representatives of 16 nations, the European Union and the United Nations. Hawaii's only connection is that we've allowed them all to meet here as long as they don't spill red wine on the carpets and don't steal any towels. A resolution is being considered for representatives of these nations to meet again in Hawaii at the turn of the century to see how things are going, climate-wise.
If current projections are correct about how high the sea will rise because of global warming, the 2108 meeting will take place atop Mauna Kea. ("Welcome to the lovely Mauna Kea Hilton, with beautiful ocean-front rooms where the waves gently lap at your door, warmly beckoning you to avoid the savage dolphins and whales who have taken over the planet.")
While Hawaii isn't officially part of this week's international mai tai-fueled gabfest, I mean, environmental colloquium, some island climate-change enthusiasts plan their own expressions of concern about Planet Us. One group will (dramatically) be drawing a chalk line in McCully to show where they think the high-tide mark might be at the end of the century.
Considering the Hilton's Mauna Kea plans, that assessment might be a tad optimistic. But drawing chalk lines on pavement is a fairly Earth-friendly way of informing people about the dangers of driving gas-powered cars and using too much electricity. (Hopscotch and Kool-Aid to follow!)
If they continued the chalk line all the way to an informational kiosk describing how nuclear power could run every house, car, bus and business in Hawaii without any harmful emissions into the air, that would be even better.
The chalk line, instead, likely will lead angry Earth-savers to my house because daring to joke about global warming, climate change or (genuflect) Al Gore is like naming a teddy bear Mohammed in a radical Muslim classroom.
Buy Charles Memminger's hilarious new book, "Hey, Waiter, There's An Umbrella In My Drink!" at island book stores or online
at any book retailer. E-mail him at email@example.com