|
The Goddess Speaks
Christy Wong
|
Life doesn’t end with kids
When Jamie Lynn Spears' pregnancy was outed, predictably disparaging commentary abounded on the Internet.
I'm not yet a parent, but I was most interested in the articles popping up, offering advice on how to discuss Spears' dubious behavior with your own kid. Newsweek's Kathleen Deveny writes about the wonders of being an American girl in this day and age, when women have access to the Ivy League and the U.S. presidency. She shudders at the thought of her own daughter throwing all that away by becoming a mother at 16.
Yes, I know she said "at 16" -- but underlying this sentiment is the message that to become a mother at all is to throw one's life away. So much real-life evidence points to the contrary, but the media and conventional "wisdom" support the kids-will-be-the-death-of-you thesis.
Think first about how often you have heard any of the following phrases: Travel before you have kids. Get that professional degree before you have kids. I was so free before I had kids.
Sage advice and reasonable sentiment when you consider 2 a.m. feedings, sports practice, the dreadful minivan you will drive if you can afford the gas after paying the mortgage on that second bedroom addition. If you've ever known parents of children with severe illnesses, you're even more familiar with the full emotional price of parenthood. And we can't overlook too-common story lines like that of Charlotte on "Sex and the City," who quit her amazing job as an art gallery director to "settle down" and have kids.
I wonder: Why the focus on the ball and chain when so many real women have families and amazing lives? OK, Angelina Jolie saving the world with her growing brood in tow might not be the most realistic example; I love that a U.N. ambassador can accessorize, fly planes AND keep her diaper bag fully stocked, but she has a nanny, a stylist and millions of dollars. She can't be counted.
For a realistic example, I look no further than my own mother, who didn't stop traveling, studying or living when my brother and I came along. She and my dad took us on adventures big and small, to the beach, the back yard, at least 15 mainland states. My mom worked full time as a school counselor all the years of our childhood. She gardened on weekends; we weeded alongside her. She went on sabbatical to further her education when I was 6; I sat in Hamilton Library while she worked. She went out with friends; we stayed home and played with Dad. If her life was thrown away when she had kids, we have yet to hear about it.
I suspect that many mothers have lives that are fulfilling and full, usually incorporating their children but sometimes not, with time taken to cherish family, yes, but also to develop dreams. And this is the type of mother I hope to be, one who loves and nurtures her children -- and herself.
Christy Wong is a a fifth-grade teacher at Aliiolani Elementary School.
The Goddess Speaks is a feature column by and about women. If you have something to say, write "The Goddess Speaks," 7 Waterfront Plaza, Suite 210,
Honolulu 96813 or e-mail
features@starbulletin.com.