O isthmus fleas, o isthmus fleas
It's that time of year when people who should not be allowed to sing out loud try to. And loudly. Give a guy a few mugs of spiked eggnog and he suddenly thinks he's Mel Torme. Worse yet is when YOU are called on to sing a Christmas carol at a party and you realize you don't even know the words. Sure, you can bluff your way through the first part of "Jingle Bells," but do you know the third verse of "I'll Be Home for Christmas"? (Hint: There IS no third verse.)
So just in case you are forced into singing this holiday season, we present the Honolulu Lite Christmas Carol Primer, a little test to help you remember the key lines to the best-loved seasonal songs. (The answers are located below the illustration.) Special note: If you cannot identify the actual line of each song, do the world a favor and learn to hum.
1. All I want for Christmas is: a) a Toby Keith b) a funeral wreath c) two wayward priests d) my two front teeth
2. Rockin' around the Christmas tree, at the Christmas party hop, mistletoe hung where you can see: a) Hey, who called the cop? b) That's sexual harassment! Stop! c) So let's drink that bottle of Johnny Walker and get weird. d) every couple tries to stop.
3. Deck the halls with: a) bowels of haoles b) balls of folly c) jowels of Wally d) boughs of holly
4. Chestnuts roasting on an open fire, Jack Frost nipping at your nose, yuletide carols being sung by a choir and: a) Let's just hope that those racially insensitive folks from next door don't dress up like Eskimos again this year. b) Someone watch the damn fire, the chestnuts are burning. c) What the hell is a chestnut, anyway? d) folks dressed up like Eskimos (Dang, they did it again.)
5. Don we now: a) our cousin Darrell b) a gray sombrero c) a baby squirrel d) our gay apparel6. Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! Jingle all the way! Oh, what fun it is to ride: a) in a gas-guzzling Chevrolet! b) on a stolen crème brûlée! c) on the back of Rachael Ray! d) in a one-horse open sleigh!
7. Frosty the Snowman was a: a) psychopath, you know b) secret Russian mole c) part-time hockey goal d) jolly, happy soul
8. Grandma got: a) plowed under by a John Deere b) arrested with Britney Spears c) heartburn drinkin' warm beer d) run over by a reindeer
9. Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer, had a very shiny nose, and if you ever saw it: a) you'd think that white powder he's sniffin' ain't snow. b) you'd wonder who would name their reindeer after a Nazi. c) you wouldn't mention it because Rudolph is a really mean drunk. d) you would even say it glows.
10. Have yourself a: a) frumpy little waitress b) wary little mistress c) hairy little empress d) merry little Christmas
11. I saw Mommy kissing: a) wild macaws b) five grandmas c) everybody d) Santa Claus
12. Oh, the weather outside is frightful, but the fire is do delightful, and since we've no place to go: a) let's drink that bottle of Johnny Walker and get weird. b) let's draw up plans for that bank we're gonna hit tomorrow. c) leave me the hell alone so I can take a nap. d) let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!
13. You'd better watch out, you'd better not cry, you'd better not pout, I'm telling you why: a) Waterboarding will be next for you, buddy boy, and then Guantanamo. b) Nobody likes a 40-year-old crying, pouting accountant in an Eskimo costume. c) You'll lose your large Southern base and never win Iowa caucuses. d) Santa Claus is coming to town!
Correct answers to each question is D.
Buy Charles Memminger's hilarious new book, "Hey, Waiter, There's An Umbrella In My Drink!" at island book stores or online
at any book retailer. E-mail him at firstname.lastname@example.org