‘Lite’ takes holiday hiatus; readers sob
As I settle into December's comforting embrace, the tender south wind, kissed by the peaks of Mauna Kea and Haleakala, gently tearing the shingles from my rooftop, and the soft, tropical rain, tinkling down like playful piano notes, washing away my lanai furniture, I bid, you, dear readers, adieu, au revoir and several other French words until the Year 2008 opens its tender baby eyes, blinks and looks around stupidly.
Yes, I'm bugging out. Decamping. Fleeing. Absconding. In short, going on vacation till the end of year. Before you voice the question that I know is on all of your lips ("Vacation ... from WHAT?") let me say I understand your disquiet. But I assure you the sense of abandonment you are feeling will pass.
Yes, it will be tough to get your humor fix, that little jolt of sarcasm, political incorrectness, cynicism and cultural insensitivity that Honolulu Lite provides in much the same way that a street dealer provides dope of dubious quality. But to lessen the pains of withdrawal, I am leaving behind a somewhat amusing and potentially blasphemous treatise on the world's most loved Christmas carols that will run in the coming weeks, guaranteed to tickle the funny bone and prompt reams of angry letters and potential lawsuits.
And I've promised my editor -- against the advice of my union representatives -- to deliver a warm, touching special Honolulu Lite for the new year, certain to further clarify the large philosophical and theological rifts that exist between the world's great religions. So keep an eye out for that.
And, if you find yourself jonesing for lack of Lite, feel free to purchase several copies of my book, "Hey, Waiter, There's An Umbrella In My Drink!" to tide you over until my return. Sure, the book has been for sale since last Christmas, but it is still on the shelves of some of your favorite literary outlets and liquor stores. (Call me Ishmael, but great works of literature, like wine, musubi and certain adult movies, just get better with age.) And, just to ring my own bell a bit, "Hey, Waiter, There's An Umbrella In My Drink!" is listed among the best sellers on Amazon.com, just 144,000 places behind Stephen Colbert's "I Am American (And So Can You!)" So we're in good company there.
I'm sorry that some of my most prolific correspondents will have to get on without me for a few weeks, like the zany anti-Hawaii Superferry contingent on Kauai whose passions I seem to arouse to a truly staggering degree. They, along with public breastfeeders, self-appointed witches, mayonnaise lovers, fans of "Gunsmoke," the Flat World Society, the International Organization of Easily Agitated Grammarians and other excitable groups with skin as thick as a gossamer veil will just have find other ways to stoke their ire.
I wish you all Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Cheerful Kwanzaa, Satisfying Saturnalia, Wild Winter Solstice, Lovely Lenaea (the Greek Festival of the Wild Women) and (Insert Your Religious Celebration Here).
Buy Charles Memminger's hilarious new book, "Hey, Waiter, There's An Umbrella In My Drink!" at island book stores or online
at any book retailer. E-mail him at email@example.com