Deer safe from collisions in Hawaii
Lucky You Live Hawaii (Reason No. 12,143): According to a new insurance company survey, Hawaii is the state where you are least likely to crash into a deer while driving.
State Farm Insurance rated the most deer-unfriendly states and found that drivers in West Virginia can hardly leave their homes without running into a deer. On the upside, West Virginia is the country's leading producer of deer jerky. (Most popular flavors: Smoked, teriyaki, Toyota).
West Virginia drivers have a 1-in-57 chance of colliding with a deer, while the odds for a Hawaii driver are 1-in-16,624. Those are comforting odds when you consider the odds of colliding with entertainer Kimo Kahoano are 1-in-12.
Apparently one reason insurance rates are so high is because insurance companies waste time calculating the odds that you'll run into various creatures. According to another survey, for instance, the chances of a Hawaii driver crashing into a badger are just off the chart. The odds of crashing into a gecko in your car in Hawaii are really low (1-in-4.5) but, you know, who cares? (Hey, honey, I crashed into a gecko. Hand me the Formula 409.)
The odds of crashing into a mongoose in Hawaii are 1-in-143,200 because, man, they are REALLY fast. I mean, you have to aim way ahead and accelerate at just the right time.
Knowing that you can drive in Hawaii without having to worry about running into a deer is comforting in the way that drivers in Nebraska don't have to worry about crashing into a shark. Nebraskans can crash their cars into sharks, but they have to work at it. They have to go to Omaha to the big Seaworld marine park, buy a ticket, find the shark tank and everything ... it's just not worth it.
You want to talk about long odds ... in August a deer on Maui ran into a shark. Really. Well, someone saw a shark eating a dead deer off of Keawekapu Beach, so you gotta figure it was the deer that screwed up in that deal. I don't think even insurance companies keep statistics on deer running into sharks.
And speaking of long odds, what do you think the odds are of a 600-pound cow falling onto a moving car? That happened on Sunday to a couple in Washington state. The cow apparently tumbled down a cliff and smashed into Charles and Linda Everson's minivan. Amazingly, there were no injuries. To the Eversons. According to news reports, the cow had to be "euthanized," which is a fancy word meaning "prepared for barbecue." Now, what do you think the odds are that the Eversons' insurance policy covers a 600-pound cow falling on their car?
I learned during three exhaustive minutes of research on this column that there are deer on every island in Hawaii except Oahu. But as soon as the Superferry starts up again, we'll take care of that problem. I suggest everyone who rides the Superferry to Kauai bring back a couple of deer. I'm going to keep mine in my driveway because the odds of me actually hitting them with my car are so remote.
Buy Charles Memminger's hilarious new book, "Hey, Waiter, There's An Umbrella In My Drink!" at island book stores or online
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