Oahu group strikes back at ferry foes
The battle to keep the Superferry from visiting neighbor islands is getting crazy. The anti-ferry forces issued a list of demands should the ferry eventually be allowed to dock at the other islands, including, I believe, mandatory vacuuming of all vehicles, criminal background checks on all passengers under the age of 8 and cavity searches for all passengers wearing matching aloha attire.
Some Oahu residents found these demands insulting and have formed their own activist group called Oahuans Against KOOTIES (Kauai's Offensive, Odoriferous, Troublesome and Invasive Ecological Species) and MOOCHERS (Maui's Over-pampered Oprah-ized, Condescending Hors d'oeuvres-Eating Rich Suckers).
Oahuans Against Kooties and Moochers (OAKAM) has issued the following demands regarding Maui or Kauai residents -- whom they refer to as "Neighbor Island Travelers Without Invitation to Stay" or "NITWITS" (OAKAM really likes acronyms) -- attempting to enter the City and County of Honolulu by air or sea:
» Upon landing on Oahu, NITWITS will undergo a personal undercarriage inspection by an OAKAM member, followed by a nice lunch should the two "hit it off."
» All arriving NITWITS will be subject to inspection by drug-sniffing dogs to see if they are carrying any illegal home-grown herbal products. Those without such products will be sent back to their home island to get some.
» NITWITS will pay an Oahu Appreciation Fee (OAF) equal to 2 percent of their annual income or the street value of the herbal product in their possession.
» While on Oahu, NITWITS will travel no faster than 4 miles per hour (or 3 knots if in the Ala Wai Canal) to protect Oahu's endangered homeless persons.
» NITWITS colliding with an endangered homeless person will file an Endangered Homeless Persons Impact Report (EHPIR) with any county agency or road repair crew and pay a fine based on the weight of the homeless person effected.
» NITWITS intending to camp while on Oahu are required to stay at officially designated campsites designed to help them focus and concentrate on the beauty and grandeur of Oahu. While in such Focus and Concentration Camps, the visitors will be protected from wild mongooses and other potentially dangerous creatures by an attractive chain-link fence topped with decorative barbed wire.
» To protect Oahu from invasive species -- things not found on the island that could upset Oahu's economy, like affordable Kula onions, Poipu papayas and Lihue menehune -- NITWITS will have to surrender all onions, papayas and menehune upon arrival.
» NITWITS who wish to drive their own cars on Oahu will have to send their cars by barge to the Big Island, where they will then be shipped on a slow boat to China, loaded onto a transport aircraft in Shanghai and flown to Juneau, Alaska, and then driven by Ice Road Truckers down to Yellowknife in Canada's Northwest Territories and then by train to San Diego, where they will be delivered by a Matson container ship back to Kauai or Maui because cars belonging to NITWITS are not allowed on Oahu.
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