Honolulu Lite Charles Memminger

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Stop Net scams & make money, too!

If you get e-mail you likely have received many of those notorious "Nigerian scam" solicitations in which you are asked to help hide millions of dollars in loot from the family of some dead dictator in your bank account with the promise of great wealth for you. Believe it or not, some people are stupid and/or greedy enough to fall for these pitches, only to find their bank accounts emptied and their subsequent requests to Interpol that arrests be made met with hearty laughter.

Luckily, I have an idea that not only will put an end to these Net scams, but might even put money in your wallet. Just convert the following message to e-mail and send it to a million of your closest friends:

"Hi! Have you been bothered by e-mail solicitations in which you are asked to help hide millions of dollars in loot from the family of some dead foreign dictator in your bank account with the promise of great wealth? Well, here's your chance to get even once and for all. We here at Nigerian Scam Investigation and Enforcement Enterprises are dedicated to wiping this insidious scheme from the Internet. And you can help.

"We have identified the largest foreign swindling organizations and the banks where they hide their ill-gotten plunder. Working with trusted employees who are tired of seeing their banks used to bamboozle Americans out of their welfare checks, we have arranged for the millions of dollars in stolen Nigerian Scam funds to be returned to the victims in the United States.

"Unfortunately, the U.S. government cannot be seen to be part of this recovery effort. As you can well imagine, our government has to continue cordial diplomatic ties with these Third World countries, just in case diamonds or oil eventually are discovered within their borders and we need to 'obtain' those resources. But we have back-channel, tacit government approval to recover the stolen funds, using individual private citizens.

"You have been identified by our crack research team as a patriotic American who would be willing to help your poor fellow countrymen who have been sucked in by these Internet scams. To do this, you will not be asked to disclose any personal or financial information. To foreigners. But as fellow patriotic Americans trying to cripple this foreign criminal threat to our country, we only ask that you convey to us the name and account number of your bank checking account. We will then funnel the stolen money from the foreign felons through your account and into the pockets of the grateful victims of this heartbreaking illicit operation.

"Your money and personal banking information will be completely safe. We promise. Really. And you will receive a 30 percent 'patriotic fee' for your help. That could make you a millionaire overnight. Seriously. We're not kidding. We only ask that you don't tell your friends or members of local law enforcement about our organization or else they'll want a cut of your take. God bless America."