Perfect Petzzz are perfectly horrifying
Now for the weirdest household accessories since Roy Rogers had his horse Trigger stuffed and Dale Evans had Roy stuffed. Six new breeds of fake puppies and kittens have been released to fill the niche for people who love animals as long as they are not actually alive.
I confess that there have been a (very) few times when my dog Boomer made a big accident on the living room rug that I considered -- for the briefest second -- having him stuffed like a throw pillow and placed in a corner of the room like a stack of old National Geographics. But I'd never do that. (Although, for the sake of discipline around the house, I have to let Boomer believe that option is on the table.)
A company called Perfect Petzzz has cut to the chase for pet owners who have found living, breathing pets just too much to handle. They sell little snoozing stuffed "hassle-free" puppies and kitties for only $39.95 a pop. (Or pup.) The company sent me pictures of the lifelike creatures, and, trust me, they would give Steven King nightmares.
Perfect Petzzz says these animal-like objects "offer unconditional love," which is perfect for people looking for unconditional love from inanimate objects. My microwave oven offers similar unconditional love but also can heat soup. The company stresses the "hassle-free" nature of these pets. Clearly they are marketing them to people who like the "concept" of pet ownership but can't deal with the reality of an animal that actually eats and poops.
"With closed eyes and curled up bodies, these wonderfully delightful companions appear to be sleeping due to their rhythmic 'breathing' movements," the company says in a delightfully bone-chilling Alfred Hitchcockian way. You can hold the petlike things in your lap and "hear the soft sounds that these animals constantly maintain. Their small bodies feel as realistic as they look with synthetic fur that compares to the softness of a newly washed puppy."
Not that anyone who bought one of these bogus beasts would know anything about washing a real puppy. I searched the small print for warnings about these critters coming to life while you sleep and ripping out your throat, but found nothing. So, we're lucky there. But anyone who's seen a Chucky movie or a "Twilight Zone" knows that having quasi-living man-made creatures around the house comes to no good.
These Perfect Petzzz (why only three z's?) "continue to breathe for four months on a single D battery," we are told. Wait a second. You mean you have to change a battery every four months? I thought they were hassle free. Geez. If you have to change batteries and everything, you might as well have a Shetland pony in your bedroom. If you duct-taped the pony's snout shut and put a diaper on him, you could still hear him breathing and he wouldn't rip your throat out in your sleep. Now THAT's unconditional love.
Buy Charles Memminger's hilarious new book, "Hey, Waiter, There's An Umbrella In My Drink!" at island book stores or online
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