Boats and whales awash in notebook
Honolulu Lite Tuesday Notebook (wherein we rant, rave, roar, bellyache, bellow and bawl -- see: vociferate -- about issues of the day):
» A reader alerted me to this classified ad actually running in the Hawaii section of that ubiquitous Internet Web site Craig's List:
350 Ft. Catamaran, Best Offer.
For sale: 2007 custom built commercial catamaran, 303 ft. at the waterline, 78 ft beam means you're going to need either a large slip or a mooring. A 11 ft. draft limits where you can go so it's not suitable for partying on the (Kaneohe Bay) sandbar. Quad MTU 11,000 bhp waterjets give this baby a top end of 35 knots and with a whopping 56,000 gallons of fuel, you can cruise for days. One owner, business isn't panning out. Got to get rid of it. Make offer."
Hmmmm. Could someone be making a droll satiric commentary on the problems facing Hawaii's Superferry?
The Hawaii section of craigslist.org is a calabash of strange offerings from the islands, which, along with the suspect Superferry ad, currently includes an invitation to join a "hot couple going to porn shop this afternoon" and lists for sale "King Kamehameha's Death Bed" for $8,500.
» Speaking of big unused boats ... some faith-based groups in Hawaii are hoping to turn the decommissioned Navy destroyer tender USS Acadia into a floating homeless shelter. Considering the rampant NIMBY (Not in My Back Yard) complaints that arise whenever someone wants to create a new prison, landfill or homeless facility, a ship for the homeless seems like a great idea. But depending on where they park that baby (like off Kahala), I suspect there could be a certain NIMOV (Not in My Ocean View) reaction.
» Lucky You Live Hawaii (Department of Whales). Since most people in the islands consider whales a charming part of the scenery -- not large, swimming dinner entrees -- it was somewhat shocking to learn that members of the Makah Indian Tribe of Washington state used a .50-caliber machine gun to dispatch a gray whale recently. The tribe enjoys subsistence fishing rights which allow them to kill whales, but they could use a little help on the public-relations front. Machine-gunning a whale? That's not the warm, fuzzy image people get when envisioning the noble indigenous citizens of the northwestern territories exercising their historic cultural traditions. ("Look, Running Eagle, the whales have returned. Fetch the hand grenades.")
» I got too cute in Sunday's column about the health danger of microwave popcorn fumes. The first half of the column was supposed to make readers think I was opening a pack of cigarettes, not a bag of popcorn. Then came the punch line: "Damn you, Orville Redenbacher!" But the gag was blown in a Page 1 promo disclosing the column was about eating popcorn, not smoking cigarettes, and a headline that included the words "kernel" and "pop." (Note to self: Irony kills. Don't be cute.)
Buy Charles Memminger's hilarious new book, "Hey, Waiter, There's An Umbrella In My Drink!" at island book stores or online
at any book retailer. E-mail him at firstname.lastname@example.org