Global heating is caused by mayo (really)
As president of the Worldwide I Hate Mayonnaise Club (est. 1843), I'm always on the lookout for news that the global battle against the devil's condiment is succeeding.
So I was ecstatic when a friend alerted me to a news report that a major dietitians group has warned that America must "reduce its mayonnaise footprint" in the same way that environmentalists are urging the country to reduce its "carbon footprint."
I don't know where all this footprint business got started and frankly don't understand what footprints have do to with anything, mayo- or carbon-related, but if it helps wipe the dreaded white slime from the face of the earth, I'm for it.
Alas, the news report turned out be one of those spoof items issued by the Onion, a satiric magazine and Web site called "the funniest publication in the United States" by the New York Times. And I agree. Because the Onion takes no prisoners. Or if it does, executes them in a hilarious way. No subject, no matter how politically incorrect, is taboo.
Recent Onion reports include a photo of Al Gore shooting a flame thrower at a glacier with the headline "Al Gore Caught Warming Globe to Increase Box Office Profits." Other Onion dispatches: "Fabled Burger King Employee Places Single Onion Ring in Everyone's Fries," "No One in Women's Shelter Able to Cook Decent Meal," "New Jimmy Buffett Song 'Cold Weather and Personal Responsibility' Disappoints Long-time Fans," "Suicide Attempts a Desperate Cry for Death," "Millions of Houses Left Abandoned This Morning" and "Area Coroner to Work from Home Today."
Among radio briefs available for podcasts (www.theonion.com) is where I found "World's Dietitians Urge America to Reduce Mayonnaise Footprint." Radio announcer Doyle Redland warns that unless America comes up with a "less destructive sandwich spread," the country's overuse of mayo could become irreversible. He reports that America uses more mayo than China and India combined and that while experimental sandwich spreads made from hydrogen are under development, they are still "years away from mouthwatering goodness."
Like all good satire, there are elements of truth in this report. Mayo is a scourge that should be eradicated, and hydrogen does hold a lot of promise, not only as a way to power cars in the future, but as the basis for delicious mayo-free condiments.
Although the Worldwide I Hate Mayonnaise Club no longer has its own Web site (I accidentally sold the Internet address nomayo.com after an undercover agent for a pro-mayonnaise cabal got me all liquored up), the club is still fighting the forces of mayo darkness. And you can help. E-mail me and I'll e-mail you back a free official "Worldwide I Hate Mayonnaise Club" certificate. Then one day we might see this story by the Onion: "Earth Now a Mayo-Free Zone; Peace and Love Guide the Planets."
Buy Charles Memminger's hilarious new book, "Hey, Waiter, There's An Umbrella In My Drink!" at island book stores or online
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