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Honolulu Lite
Charles Memminger
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Hocus-pocus: Bette’s trees disappear!
It saddened me to learn that Hawaii's own divine Bette Midler has joined the ranks of celebrity tree haters.
The fact that many celebrities hate trees is a little-known but apparently growing phenomenon. It's just hard to believe that our lovable Bette would succumb to this strange, disturbing pathology.
But there it was all over the news: Bette Midler orders the assassination of 230 completely innocent trees on her lush, though apparently now treeless, Kauai estate.
The State Board of Land, Natural Resources and Assassinated Trees wants to fine Bette $6,500 for having the trees cut down without due process of law. The trees were slain in the prime of their lives without regard to their civil or at least vegetative rights. An attorney for Ms. Midler allegedly said the celebrated entertainer "didn't realize that she needed to get permits or death warrants or whatever to have the trees whacked because, you know, they're just trees."
The hit man, I mean, botanist, hired to kill the trees allegedly claimed they were all "non-native" species, meaning they were not indigenous to the islands and so deserved to die. The botanist also helpfully pointed out that the trees "not only were not from around these parts," but blocked Miss Midler's view of the ocean, which, according to the International Kyoto Accord on Trees Blocking the Views of Celebrities, is a capital offense.
In Midler's defense, I point out that she was raised in Halawa housing, a run-down, treeless neighborhood eventually flattened to make room for Aloha Stadium. So there's a good chance she grew up not knowing what a tree was.
But that doesn't explain why so many celebrities seem to hate trees.
Sylvester Stallone had hundreds of trees cut down around his $16 million Miami mansion. Asked why, he mumbled something about not liking their attitude. He was ordered to replant 173 tall trees, 1,488 small trees and offer a starring role in an upcoming "Rocky" sequel to a mature elm or oak tree.
Washington Redskins owner Dan Snyder had more than 130 trees around his Potomac mansion felled. When asked why, he allegedly said, "They couldn't make the cut, so to speak."
And actor/movie-producer/ tree-hater Tyler Perry was fined $175,000 for de-treeing his massive Chattahoochee River estate without a permit. Perry allegedly said, "$175,000? Hell, here's half a million. Bubba, get me my chain saw."
Then there was the strange case of Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards being seriously injured after falling out of a coconut tree in Fiji last year. Rumor has it Richards was armed with a machete and that the tree acted in self-defense.
More disturbing is the disclosure that the ancient chestnut tree that comforted Anne Frank while she hid from the Nazis is to be cut down because "it's really, really old." Coincidentally, several celebrities reportedly are to meet in Amsterdam for "Really Old Tree Appreciation Day."
Buy Charles Memminger's hilarious new book, "Hey, Waiter, There's An Umbrella In My Drink!" at island book stores or
online at any book retailer. E-mail him at
cmemminger@starbulletin.com