Office toys help oil the cogs of capitalism
From those simmering oatmeal-for-brains stuck in middle management to the steamed vegetables marinating on the executive floor, the workplace is a pressure cooker.
And in this airtight, stainless-steel market economy, our personal barometer goes up and down based on how aware we are of one simple fact: No one is being paid what they're worth.
Without exception, the person signing your check is making more from you than you're making from him. All businesses are this way, even that tiny store downtown selling Karl Marx memorabilia.
Even if you make $10 million a year filling up staplers, whatever those staplers are stapling is bringing in $20 million to $30 million. It's enraging, I know. Still, if you decide to quit that job because you realize you're being exploited, call me, because I know how to work a stapler and can box up my drawer and be over there in, like, five minutes.
So, it's understandable if we cogs of capitalism have to occasionally let off a little steam. Here, then, are some harmless office toys that can make sure our self-worth doesn't blow a gasket:
Bow Shotz (officeplayground.com, $8): If there's a dragon devouring interns or an ogre guarding the IT department from anyone who actually wants to use it to accomplish something, then match these obstacles, medieval metaphor for medieval metaphor, with this foam bow-and-arrow set.
Why not arm the whole floor and orchestrate your own blue-face-painted "Braveheart" moment? Scream, "They may take our paid sick leave and our free basic dental plan, but they'll never take OUR FREEDOM!"
USB Missile Launcher (thinkgeek.com, $30): Being a foam-locked-and-loaded office infantryman can be good clean fun, but it can get tiring, especially if your support team has abandoned its position to go goof off on a sales call or something. But if you must go to war with the Styrofoam army you have, then "have" this handy little high-tech defensive weapon.
This stylish missile launcher commandeers your PC via a USB connection and allows you to pivot future hellfire-from-above up to 180 degrees before destroying all intruders with the click of the mouse (increasingly, just like the real military).
USB Doomsday Device Hub (thinkgeek.com, $50): Whether it's the vice president for Halitosis Distribution or the Division II supervisor for Everyone Who Isn't the Boss' Son, some enemies are untouchable in any overt way. For them there can only be an ultimate weapon that leaves no tracks, because it obliterates whatever the tracks would be on.
Moonlighting as a four-port USB hub, this metallic device looks like it came from the North American Aerospace Defense Command Gift Shoppe.
First, you flip Switch One. Then, you flip Switch Two. Then, if you have the nerve and the key (oh, please don't lose the key), you unlock Switch Three. Then, all heck breaks lose.
Well, one can only assume. A red light starts to blink, anyway.
If you need a panic button, why not get one that looks like it's been stress-tested by Lockheed Martin?