Will plucky Lindsay Lohan elude lockup?
A LOT OF people think celebrities get special treatment from judges when facing jail time, but that's not true. As a former court reporter, I'll share a secret with you: Judges rate each defendant on a rigid point scale, adding or subtracting days in prison according to specific "criteria." It just so happens that celebrities have a lot more "criteria" than normal people.
Here are some of the calculations the judge will make should Lindsay Lohan be convicted of drunk driving and drug possession:
» As a fetus, she was youngest person to host the MTV Movie Awards. Minus one day.
» Forced into acting by evil mother at age 3. Minus seven days for loss of innocence.
» Acted in 129 commercials by age 5. Add four days (should have known better by then.)
» Caught drunk driving twice in two months. Add two weeks for being too stupid and/or stingy to hire a chauffeured limousine.
» President Bush thinks Lohan is "real purdy." Add two years (which will be commuted later.)
» She was told she was "too smart" to star in "A Prairie Home Companion" so she dyed her hair blonde and got the part. Minus three days for quick thinking.
» True Quote: "It's so weird that I went to rehab. I always said I would die before I went to rehab." Add four days for chickening out.
» At age 7, dressed as garbage for David Letterman skit. Add two weeks for allowing herself to be type-cast.
» Admires Nicole Richie for her humanitarian works. Add two days for mistaking Richie with Mahatma Gandhi. (Hint: Gandhi's the fat one.)
» At age 17, voted fifth "hottest female teenager," behind Ryan Seacrest. Minus two weeks for emotional distress.
» True Quote: "People go to college to find who they are as a person and find what they want to do in life, and I kind of already know that so it would be like I'd be taking a step back or something." Add five days for felony stupidity.
» Type-cast in "Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen" as a girl who believes the world revolves around her. (Judge will take this one under advisement until confirmation by Hubble Space Telescope.)
» True Quote: "I'm happy being able to play roles with people my age because once you do something really mature, there's no turning back." Minus four months because, well, she's right.
» She once allegedly said to Nicole Richie, "Hey, Q-tip, are you pregnant or did you swallow a golf ball?" Minus a week because if she didn't say it, she should have.
There are a lot of other "criteria" the judge will use should Lohan be convicted of criminal charges (like, in 2006 she was voted 14th "Sexiest Woman in the World," behind Clay Aiken) but my initial calculations using the Judges' Secret Prison Point Calculation System is that not only will Lindsay Lohan NOT go to jail, she will have about three years of "banked time" to draw on against future convictions.
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