Lite notebook spews forth hot issues
HONOLULU Lite Tuesday Notebook (wherein we throw various items and issues of the day against the grimy wall of public opinion and see which ones go splooooooch):
» Hawaii made national news this week when Kilauea began spewing lava and when an Ohio lawyer was bitten by a shark at Bellows Beach. (You will see no jokes here about sharks, lawyers and professional courtesy.)
It seems that Hawaii only makes national headlines when a volcano erupts, a shark attacks or a tourist gets robbed. But is that just perception? I conducted a lengthy five-minute investigation and Googled certain words in connection with "Hawaii" to see which got the most hits. "Hawaii shark attack" got a jaw-dropping (or biting) 266,000 hits. "Hawaii homicides" killed with 629,000 hits. "Hawaii volcano eruption" sputtered out with just 39,000 hits. But there's good news. The combos that got the most hits were "Hawaii aloha" with 2.1 million and "Hawaii paradise" at 2.7 million.
» Remember to wear your underwear as outerwear on Aug. 7, National Underwear Day. It's not a national holiday yet, but one "intimate apparel" maker started a petition to make it so, stating, "We believe that underwear is underappreciated, undermentioned and, too often, under our clothes." Coincidentally -- I think -- Aug. 1-7 is World Breast Feeding Week. I point this out to counter the angry attacks I got recently for poking fun at public breast-feeding. I have nothing funny to say about World Breast Feeding Week. I've learned my lesson. Not even going to touch it.
» Break out the breath mints because the Maui Onion Festival is Aug. 4-5 in Lahaina. Actually, you don't need breath mints because Maui onions are as sweet as sugar cane. At least I hope they are. I'll be taking part in the Raw Onion-Eating Contest. I'm hoping to establish a new onion-eating personal record by consuming 234 whole onions in five minutes. My previous record is eating zero whole raw onions in my entire lifetime, so that's quite a challenge. I volunteered to be a judge in the Miss Onion Beauty Pageant but, alas, they tell me there is none. There will be an onion recipe contest, cooking demos by celebrity chefs, a Maui Onion Ring stand and many other forms of general onion-related gaiety. Call (808) 661-4567 or visit the Web site whalersvillage.com.
» I don't go to church religiously, but I was happy to be at St. John's by-the-Sea in Kahaluu Sunday for the first service with David Gierlach as the new vicar. Gierlach is best known as a local lawyer with high-profile clients like former Bishop Estate trustee Lokelani Lindsey and the occasional organized-crime figure. Not many people know he's also an ordained minister and now at the helm of the little Episcopal church in the country. In his first sermon as vicar, he prayed for our troops and for peace with "our perceived enemies," asking that we remember they are our "brothers and sisters of one God." It would be nice if our enemies returned that sentiment.
Buy Charles Memminger's hilarious new book, "Hey, Waiter, There's An Umbrella In My Drink!" at island book stores or online
at any book retailer. E-mail him at firstname.lastname@example.org