‘Lite’ offers security plan for readers
Aloha. If you are a new or returning reader to this column, we just wanted to familiarize you with some new security features of Honolulu Lite. We care about the privacy and security of our readers and feel these new safeguards will help you get as much enjoyment out of this column as possible.
Please enter your new User Identification here. _____.
Sorry, please choose a User Identification that contains no scatological references. Re-enter User Identification.
Enter your password: _____.
Sorry, your password has to be at least eight characters long and include at least one character from the ancient Etruscan alphabet. Re-enter password.
For security purposes, re-enter password in Klingon.
For further security purposes, re-enter the password spelled backward in Esperanto.
Enter your e-mail address here: _____. If you don't want us to supply various commercial pornographic Web sites with your e-mail address please aksl nsiu la;us aiudl w3dcl. Sorry, we are having technical difficulties. If you don't want your e-mail transmitted to various pornographic Web sites, please alksu alusqe; =asd s8*2edkj #cslak lsdgua.
There. Thank you for registering with Honolulu Lite. We will begin a very funny column shortly. But first, if you would like to see an even funnier column that we have prepared for our Special Premium Readers, please enter a new Special Premium Readers password here: ____. For security purposes, re-enter your new Special Premium Readers password using Mesoamerican Hieroglyphics, keeping in mind that the Maya and Aztec symbols for "snake" are different.
Special Premium Readers have access to the Honolulu Lite Special Premium Readers Boutique, featuring all kinds of wonderful logo merchandise, like the official Honolulu Lite "Great Feeling, Less Taste!" T-shirts and the "Dave Barry Sucks!" coffee mugs. With each purchase you will get special Honolulu Lite Special Premium Readers Boutique Buyers' Points, which can be redeemed for unique gifts such as the charming "Charles Memminger: I'm Tired of Being Your Freakin' Doormat!" doormat and the delightful "I Hate Columnists!" dartboard with a selection of bull's-eye celebrity icons (Dave Barry, Ellen Goodman, Michael Kinsley, Anna Quindlen, etc.).
To set up your Honolulu Lite Special Premium Readers Boutique Account, enter your Boutique Account Password here : ____. For security purposes, please re-enter your password using Turkic Runes (Orchon, not Yenisei).
Please enter the type of credit card you will be using, along with the credit card number, expiration date and (very important) purchase limit. If you don't want your credit card to be used in any special pornographic Web site promotions, please lxz*l akjd wl;*!;lks aslksd.
Thank you for signing up for Honolulu Lite via our new reader security system. Today's very funny column will begin now.
Buy Charles Memminger's hilarious new book, "Hey, Waiter, There's An Umbrella In My Drink!" at island book stores or online
at any book retailer. E-mail him at firstname.lastname@example.org