Can’t loose the lovin’ PR felling
I'm contracted constantly by companies wanting me to write about their products and my reaction always is, "Are they insane? Don't they understand they should be paying me to NOT write about their products?"
Here are some actual e-mails I've received recently from misguided public relations people trying to get media coverage for their clients:
» "Seeing Red -- How Bloodshot Eyes Impact a First Impression. Small details, like bloodshot eyes, can immediately give someone the wrong impression about you." No, bloodshot eyes immediately give people the RIGHT impression about you. It gives the impression that you are either drunk, hung over or coming down from a five-day meth binge. This company wants me to shill for a product that gets rid of red eyes. But I won't promote something that allows people with bloodshot eyes to walk our streets with impunity.
» "Moms are often daunted from breast-feeding in public, but Bebe au Lait covers allow moms to breastfeed outdoors, protect baby from the sun ..." Are they kidding? Moms should be daunted from breast-feeding in public. And I don't think this blanket, for apparently that's what a Bebe au Lait cover is, is going to make them feel less daunted. ("Bebe au Lait" apparently is French for "Baby Under Blankee.") Breast-feeding, like most other bodily functions men and women are forced by nature to engage in, should not be performed in restaurants or in large groups of people.
» "After pregnancy and childbirth, raging hormones and leaking breasts, a crying baby and total sleep deprivation, it's easy to see how a new mom can loose that loving feeling." Loose that loving feeling? This flack -- who doesn't know the difference between "lose" and "loose" -- wants me to promote a "renowned" marriage counselor who has tips to help "Mommy get her mojo back." Maybe Mommy doesn't need her mojo back. Maybe Mommy didn't have a mojo to begin with. Maybe after all the raging hormones and leaking breasts, Mommy just needs a nap. And a Bebe au Lait cover.
» "Dear Charles, I hope all is well with you. You should have received by now a sample of Repelle Hair Color Stain Shield." The press release is signed by Juliette. I have no idea who she is, but I'm glad she hopes all is well with me. I hope all is well with her. But I doubt it is. She's pushing a product called Repelle, which I think is French for Repel. Repel is not a good word for a personal grooming product. I'm not even sure what Repelle Stain Shield does, but it sounds scary. I hope they don't have a whole line of products, like Repullse Hair Spray, Ward Off Eye Lliner and Frustrate Llip Glloss. (Spelling things with two Ls make them seem more sofistimikated.)
» "Aloha, I have attached a generic newsletter that contains two articles of general interest on finances. Fell free to use them in your publication." Fell free? No, it's FEEL free to FELL tree. Why do I suspect this guy has bloodshot eyes? He wins the "most boring press release ever written" contest.
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