Tony the Tiger ID'd as cereal terrorist
BREAKFAST cereal manufacturers, pathetically caving in to pressure from private interest groups who hate children, have agreed to stop marketing cereal to kids when the cereal is more than 150 percent sugar, has more salt than the Dead Sea and less nutrition than a discarded carpet. They've also agreed to allow kids' best loved role models -- like Tony the Tiger, Cap'n Crunch and that leprechaun guy from Lucky Charms -- to be sent to Guantanamo Bay to undergo "aggressive interrogation techniques" until they admit that they're nothing more than front men (or front cartoon creatures) for a secret global sugar manufacturing cartel.
Kellogg's, the largest cereal maker in the world, is apparently the leader of this shocking attempt to return our nation's children to eating gruel for breakfast. Can a return to the days when children worked in coal mines be far behind? As cute as it is to see little soot-faced tykes emerge from 14 or 15 hours of coal mining, it is almost universally agreed by adult coal miners that children might do better in later life if they lounged around half the morning watching cartoons on TV and eating Froot Loops, rather than mastering the art of the pick and shovel.
Everyone knows that breakfast cereals aren't the healthiest foods on the planet. They are high in sugar, salt, fat, fur and annoying dancing elves. But they aren't supposed to be a kid's primary source of nutrition. Three out of five doctors in Bulgaria think that junk food masquerading as cereal is fine for kids to eat as long as they supplement it at lunch and dinner with 26 pounds of broccoli and slabs of raw calf liver.
THE MOST popular breakfast cereals today include Frosted Flakes, Honey Bunches of Oats, Frosted Mini Wheats, Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Froot Loops and Lucky Charms. The least favorites are Corn Flakes, Rice Krispies and dried bits of tasteless matter dug out of living room rugs. Rice Krispies and Corn Flakes actually can be quite tasty if you back a large cement truck loaded with sugar and milk up to your house and have the contents pumped into your kitchen.
Critics accuse cereal makers of false advertising in order to get kids hooked on certain brands. They point out, for instance, that Froot Loops contain absolutely no "froot," Grape Nuts have neither grapes nor nuts and that Lucky Charms are not truly "magically delicious." And while Tony the Tiger screams Frosted Flakes are "Greeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaat!" they really are only "Greeaat."
Since cereal makers will be pulling most of their Saturday morning commercials from TV as part of this misguided nutritional fad, television stations will be forced to air commercials from pet-supply companies, beer distributors and the American Pork Producers Association. The impact of this change remains to be seen, but there is a danger that new breakfast products will emerge like "Purina Charms," "Honey Bunches of Bacon" and "Beerios."
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