You could be a presidential speech writer!
With so many candidates running for president, there are not enough speech writers to go around. Here's your chance to find out if you have what it takes to pen magical and moving words for someone running for the country's top job. Just complete the official Honolulu Lite "You Could Be a Presidential Speech Writer!" test.
My fellow (A. carbon-based life forms, B. degenerates, C. dudes, D. Americans). We are gathered here on this (A. whimsical, B. dismal, C. weird, D. momentous) occasion to discuss the future of (A. Lindsay Lohan, B. the past, C. the Dewey Decimal System, D. our country. ). It is time for (A. a martini, B. a return to hoop skirts, C. every purpose under heaven, D. a new beginning). I feel I am the (A. collection of atoms, B. slave master, C. budding alcoholic, D. person) to lead you into the next (A. national nightmare, B. drug rehab center, C. awkward sexual situation, D. century). Our (A. gerbils, B. hemorrhoids, C. dust mites, D. children) depend on us to make the (A. back yard, B. nearest Starbucks, C. lost island of Atlantis, D. world) a (A. frumpy, B. relatively pain-free, C. silly, D. better) place. And so I say to (A. Peruvian cocaine manufacturers, B. Rosie O'Donnell, C. the entire Mormon Tabernacle Choir, D. you) -- ask not what your (A. hamster, B. underwear, C. 401k plan, D. country) can do for you, but what you can (A. hurl, B. financially subsidize, C. ignore, D. do) for your (A. probation officer, B. herd of goats, C. underwear, D. country).
America is a (A. relatively benign, B. mauve, C. cute, D. great) country that needs a (A. relatively benign, B. mauve, C. cute, D. great) leader. I am that (A. virus, B. affliction, C. demigod, D. person). With your (A. life savings, B. indifferent acquiescence, C. obscene hand gestures, D. support) I promise to (A. obliterate, B. reiterate, C. obscure, D. prove) that (A. resistance, B. herpes, C. Marxist theory, D. freedom) and (A. cat juggling, B. large artificial breast implantation, C. spontaneous human combustion, D. prosperity) is (A. futile, B. really expensive, C. fun, D. possible).
As Franklin (A. Q, B. G, C. R, D. D) Roosevelt (A. whimpered, B. joked heartily, C. slurred, D. said), "The only thing we have to (A. salivate over, B. blow up, C. mortgage, D. fear) is (A. a grand jury indictment, B. a sudden lessening of gravity, C. pi to the 10 thousandth digit, D. fear) itself." Four-score and (A. quatro, B. billions and billions of, C. a few miserable, D. seven) years ago, our (A. geckos, B. yard boys, C. ex-spouses, D. forefathers) established this great (A. petri dish, B. general mishmash, C. gulag archipelago, D. republic). If I am (A. extradited, B. exiled, C. tarred and feathered, D. elected president) I promise to (A. regurgitate, B. prance gaily, C. stagger drunkenly, D. walk) in their (A. high heels, B. jackboots, C. rubba slippas, D. footsteps).
Congratulations! If you chose any option other than "D," you could have a great future in writing speeches for presidential candidates. If you chose "D" as the correct choice, you'd better stick with your day job.
Buy Charles Memminger's hilarious new book, "Hey, Waiter, There's An Umbrella In My Drink!" at island book stores or online
at any book retailer. E-mail him at firstname.lastname@example.org