High-profile football programs come clean in this soap opera

WHEN I played football at Lahainaluna High School, our locker room was an old wooden table under a tree. Of course when we got on the bus to go to the other side to War Memorial Stadium everyone had to take his own soap.

I think most anyone who has ever been in this type of shower situation has had to bring his or her own soap. Dave Reardon said when he was in the military they all brought their own soap. In the military! The military gives you everything. That's why they're called GIs -- "Government Issue." The military provides everything. The military issues you bebedees.

(As Bill Murray said in "Stripes": "You got something in a low-rise bikini? Mesh, if possible ...")

But apparently college football does one better than even Uncle Sam. Yes, it seems that Hawaii quarterback/freedom-fighter revolutionary Colt Brennan is right. In Division I college football, the showers are stocked with a veritable cornucopia of free soap.

Yes, it's as cool as it sounds.

The Star-Bulletin sent out an informal and unscientific survey to a number of Division I programs, to see what the actual standard was. And as of yesterday afternoon the results were unanimous: Soap, dang it! Soap!

A sampling:

"Our equipment guys are out today, but we at the very least have soap in the showers," writes Oregon State assistant athletic director Steve Fenk.

Careful, Steve! Don't be so sure! I'm sure a lot of people here thought there was soap in the showers until the other day!

From UCLA: "Soap is provided in the showers. Each of the lockers has an electrical outlet if they have a hair dryer or something that needs power."

It's L.A. I think the hair-dryer thing is a city ordinance.

Southern Miss: "We provide Hair and Body soap in the showers, and foaming hand soap at the sinks."

At Temple they get soap and shampoo. Oklahoma: "We provide soap and towels."

Pitt associate athletic director E.J. Borghetti reports that the Panthers get soap and body wash/shampoo, provided by a local company. "Never heard of a single complaint from our kids," he says, "so I guess their hair is well-conditioned and their skin silky and youthful enough after using the products."

I forgot to ask him if Dave Wannstedt gets any stuff for mustache grooming.

But the point is, yes, Colt is right. Soap. This is standard stuff. And so, I'm actually kind of heartened and a little surprised that UH has been up to that standard. Well, except for a few, um, recent complications.

"I'm not going to throw our kids under the bus," Herman Frazier told Sportsline.com.

(Hey, what was that thump-thump sound?)

Well, OK, now all of the problems are on the table. And hopefully all the problems will get fixed, and stay fixed. And things will be more, um, silky and manageable in the future. After all, it sounds like Pitt has found the secret to happy student-athletes -- good hair and smooth skin.

Kalani Simpson can be reached at ksimpson@starbulletin.com