Hula girls out as hottest car accessory
Oh boy. This is going to be tricky. Remember how I told you a few weeks ago about how you could order kangaroo scrotum pouches off the Internet to carry little whatnots in? Well, that was a walk in the park, or at least the Outback, compared with the subject of today's discussion.
But friends have reminded me that it is one of my duties to report on cultural trends and interesting societal anomalies and that I have an obligation to describe an automotive phenomenon that has reached these very islands. I agree. It's just that it's going to be very, very tricky.
Apparently, the latest fad for the owners of mainly trucks and muscle SUVs is to attach a metal or plastic molded version of a part of the male anatomy to the rear bumpers or trailer hitches of their vehicles. It's not the part of the male anatomy that might first come to mind, the part that has been immortalized in an insulting hand gesture and featured in many forms of architecture, like the Washington Monument. It's the body part, well, actually, parts, that play a, er, supporting role, to that particular appendage. Are we all on the same page here? Because this a family newspaper, and I'm not going to go into any more forensic detail. From now on, we shall simply refer to the rather offensive bumper decorations as "da kines."
These da kines are available in automotive supply stores and on the Internet and come in a perplexing variety of sizes, colors and materials. "Brass ones," for instance, cost about $50. And there are aluminum ones and chrome ones and blue plastic ones. They have to be bolted to the bumper because, I'm told, someone might steal them. I find it hard to believe that anyone would want to steal them, since I think most people on the roads don't even want to LOOK at them.
The question is, Why would anyone want to hang da kines from the back of their car, truck or even motorcycle? The short, obvious answer is that it's a "guy thing." The longer answer, according to one Web site, is: "In my mind, a big-a-- truck is not complete without a nice set of (product name) hanging off the hitch. This is the ultimate truck accessory around."
Man, times have changed. I remember when fuzzy dice hanging off the rearview mirror were the ultimate accessory.
Obviously, some guys think having metal da kines hanging off the back bumper makes their truck look manly. I think it looks like a bad National Geographic photo.
I haven't talked to any chicks who have seen trucks decorated with da kines around town. I suspect they are not impressed. Women wouldn't think of decking out their vehicles with female body parts. You rarely see a woman driving a car with hooters mounted on the front bumper, for instance.
All I can say is, who ever thought that a hula girl on the dashboard would be the height of automobile accessory sophistication?
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