The worst places to work in Hawaii
When I was asked to speak at Hawaii Business magazine's "Best Places to Work in Hawaii" awards dinner, I figured they would have all the good places covered so I'd better take care of the other side of the issue: the Worst Places to Work in Hawaii.
There were so many candidates, but here I think are the worst:
1. Kahala Property Manager's Office. With that Japanese billionaire moving homeless Hawaiian families into posh multimillion-dollar Kahala homes free of rent, imagine some of the calls the Kahala property manager must be taking. I mean, some of those people in Kahala have never even SEEN a Hawaiian. Typical phone call: "It looks like those people are setting a pig on fire in their front yard! Can they do that? Wait, they buried it in a hole. Never mind."
Hours later: "They dug up the pig and now they're EATING it! And they've put a sign on their fence that says 'Haole-Free Zone'! What's a haole?"
2. Top of Power Pole Collecting Copper. Horrible place to work. One person already has been killed. If this were a real job you couldn't get anyone to do it. "Climb to the top of that pole with the electricity still running? No gloves? No net? No safety goggles? No thanks!"
Hey, copper's only about $1.60 a pound. Dollar bills are, what, $1,000 a pound? If you decide to be a criminal, rob a bank or gas station. At least you might not get killed.
3. Medical Insurance Claims Screener Office. How'd you like to be the person who decides which medical procedures insurance will cover? Typical phone call: "Sorry, sir, we can't pay for any more heart surgeries this week. How's your spleen? We have a special on spleens. Low deductible. Only 23,000 miles. Rent to own."
4. Mass Transit Rail System Design Office. Nightmare to work here as a route draftsman. "What? You want the rail line to go through Haleiwa? I just drew up plans for Kapolei to Waipahu. No, it can't go over Diamond Head. I know, on paper it looks like you can, but you can't. Windward Mall? OK, a spur to Windward Mall. That will just be an extra $700 million."
Current projected rail route: Kapolei to Haleiwa to Waipahu to Convention Center to University of Hawaii back to Haleiwa to Charley Memminger's House to Safeway.
5. Whatever Business is Next Door to Dog the Bounty Hunter's Office. I don't know what that business is, but you have to pity the front desk clerk.
Visitor 1: "I just killed a guy. You gotta help me out, Dog!"
Clerk: "Next door."
Visitor 2: "Hey, haole, you wen' bust my tutu last week, I'm going to broke your face!"
Clerk: "Next door!"
Visitor 3: "Who ordered the size 80 D-cup American flag bikini top?"
Clerk: "NEXT DOOR!!!!!"
Visitor 4: "I've got a van full of mainland college girls just dying to party with the Dog."
Clerk: "Uh ... Send them in."
Buy Charles Memminger's hilarious new book, "Hey, Waiter, There's An Umbrella In My Drink!" at island book stores or online
at any book retailer. E-mail him at email@example.com