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Sidelines
Kalani Simpson
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It's a short trip from the bracket sheet to the straight jacket
LET'S get this straight first: I think everybody should have the right to a lawyer and a trial and that "waterboarding" should be just another word for what people like to do at Sandy Beach. That's serious.
That said, if they really wanted to torture those guys over at Guantanamo, they would give all of them brackets and force them to watch the first round of the NCAA Tournament.
Can't you see it? "Hey, guard! I thought you told me this Bobby Knight was a genius. And Coach K! His commercial says he is a leader who happens to coach basketball! Ha! Now I see this is like bin Laden saying he is not a terrorist -- he is a leader who happens to terrorize. Niagara -- in Pashto it means "Great rolling overcoat." I had to give it a shot. But Arizona -- they are killing me! Why so many turnovers? And who is this Billy Packer person? Make him stop! Why do they switch games from the one I am watching? Long Beach State! Aaaaagggg!"
Of course, that's probably not verbatim.
(Which is why I'm still baffled by the whole Khalid Sheikh Mohammed confession thing. "From A to Z." Is "from A to Z" an Arabic expression now? Those were his exact words? This is also why I'm skeptical of any poetry translated from a foreign language which mysteriously and conveniently also happens to rhyme in English.)
And not that I'm thinking it would result in any information, as some people might contend about that kind of tactic.
But you get the idea. Like blasting rock music at Manuel Noriega as "torture."
Because that's what this is. Oh, every year people will tell you what a fun time of year this is, March Madness. It's not true. It's torture, is what it is. Watching your bracket go up in smoke. Yelling at the television. Wondering why the heck that guy had to let the ball slip off his body out of bounds or blow a layup or take a ridiculous 3 or just fall over himself. Why! Why?
Usually, you have just one team that can frustrate you or break your heart. Drive you crazy. Suddenly, you've got 32; 16 in one day.
You want to turn somebody into a stressed-out wreck? Like me? Give 'em a bracket and have him or her fill it out. Watch the carnage unfold.
Because there's no not getting into it. Not once you fill out a bracket. Oh, I could see these guys trying to ignore it. But eventually it's, "How can these Creighton Bluejays allow the Wolf Pack of Nevada to gain three offensive rebounds consecutively? They are screwing this up from A to Z!"
It can drive you nuts. Yesterday, I called to see how Riley Wallace's bracket was doing.
"He's golfing today."
You know, for some reason, I suddenly felt happy for the first time all day.