And now, a little help for mankind
REGULAR readers know that we here at the plush worldwide headquarters of Honolulu Lite do not set out merely to entertain and put a smile on the faces of the smileless. We also seek to do good deeds for humanity, bring peace to a frail, battered world and promote good will among all of God's creatures, especially the South American coati-mundi and the blue-tongued skink, which just can't seem to get along.
To those ends we direct your attention to three items of great concern.
First is the plight of Corinne Keena of Winnipeg, Canada, who will be coming to Hawaii this month. Corrine, it seems, has misplaced her hairdresser.
When Corinne was last in Hawaii, she had her hair done at Paul Brown's at Ward Centre by a lady named Kim Maxwell. "She is definitely the best stylist I have had and really would like to find out if she is still on the island," Corrine wrote.
Now, finding a missing hairstylist might not seem such a big deal in these troubled times, but we are a full-service operation and if we can help just one person cope in this confusing ... anyway, if anyone out there knows what Kim Maxwell is doing nowadays, e-mail me. A spokesman for Paul Brown said she left that job to go into clothing design. Come on, folks, let's find Kim so that Corrine can get her hair done in the manner to which she has become accustomed in Hawaii.
SECOND on this public-service edition of Honolulu Lite (how many humor columnists would dare seek a missing hairdresser?) also involves a missing person. A classified advertisement in this very paper caught my eye recently. It said: "1 reliable truck, 2 motivated men, 1 desire for change. Call Lynn 922-4790."
Rarely do you see so much heart squeezed into three lines of type. I thought, now here are a couple of guys with a story to tell, guys who clearly have overcome some kind of adversity and are putting their lives back on track. They've got a truck and a dream. All they need is a little help. And that's what we're all about here.
So I called the number, and it turned out to be a message service. The operator there couldn't put me through to Lynn without knowing her last name. Apparently no one trying to hire these two guys can actually get through to them because of a minor typographical oversight. I picture the 2 motivated men hanging around waiting for the calls that never come, turning bitter on life once again. ("Hey, we tried to go straight. Put an ad in the paper and everything. But no, life just continued to smack us around.")
Hang tough, guys. Someone out there is going to read this and figure out who Lynn is and get that message-center operator to put a call through. There's plenty of stuff that needs hauling in 1 reliable truck, and you are the 2 motivated men to do it. Readers, please help find a way to get through to these guys and get them some business. Call 922-4790 and ask for Lynn until you get through.
FINALLY, I'm happy to announce my association with the Kamehameha Lions Club Foundation for a series of community and entertainment events. The Lions Club has formed a partnership with Watermark Publishing, publisher of my book "Hey Waiter, There's an Umbrella in My Drink!"
I'll be the featured speaker at a Lions fundraising event on Feb. 27 to benefit Ilona Simeona-Thomas, who has been diagnosed with acute nonlymphatic leukemia. You are invited to a no-host mixer at the St. Louis Alumni Clubhouse to help raise money for Simeona-Thomas' bone marrow transplant at the City of Hope. Doors open at 5:30 p.m. and dinner begins at 6:30 p.m. A $35 donation is requested. Call Daryl Matsuo for reservations at 548-3100.
We'll also be raising some money for the Kamehameha Lions through the sale of my book when I return to the stage at Sharkey's Comedy Club on Feb. 2. Lions will man the book table, and a cut of each sale will go to their good works. This will be the kickoff of Sharkey's new Friday night comedy show, and, don't worry, there'll be some actual comedians there, too. Show starts 8 p.m. Call 864-4662. (Sharkey's is located above Dixie Grill in Aiea.)
So there you have it. There are all kinds of good works to be done out there, from finding missing hairdressers to helping one of our seriously ill island residents. Now, if we could just get the coati-mundis and skinks to get along.
Buy Charles Memminger's hillarious new book, "Hey, Waiter, There's An Umbrella In My Drink!" at island book stores or online
at any book retailer. E-mail him at email@example.com