They’re all listening now, though

AH, I can remember back like it was yesterday. It was just before the Sony Open was about to tee off, and I thought I would make some calls ...

HELLO, SONY? Yes, I'm just calling to tell you about this teenage golfer from Hawaii that maybe you should have your eye on, and ...

Hello? Hello?

Hmmm.

Hello, Sony? Yes, I think we just got cut off a second ago. This seems to happen to me all the time. It must be my phone. Anyway, I was telling you about this teenage kid, a golfer, from Hawaii, that maybe you should take a look at. You know give an annual automatic spot in your tournament, maybe even hook up with him, eventually shower him with electronic products, launch an ad campaign ...

Hello?

HELLO, NIKE? Yeah, I'm calling to tell you about this kid golfer from Hawaii you should take a look at, dynamic personality, charisma, fan appeal, the whole thing. A great way to tap into the youth market, and ...

What do you mean you're full up on those?

No, this is perfect, a teenager from Hawaii, a great story, all the golf fans will eat this up. I really think you should sign this kid. Does everything right, plays into the big tournaments. You should see the way people react to this kid's game. Just has that teenager's exuberance. It's electric.

You really should ...

Hello?

HELLO, DAVID LEADBETTER? Led? Can I call you Led?

Dave? Can I call you Dave?

Mr. Leadbetter. Well, sorry to call you so late. Charles Howell III gave me your number, he said you take calls at all hours, like Batman.

"He's Batman, really," Charles said.

So here's a Commissioner Gordon for you. I know of this kid, a teenager in Hawaii. I think this would be good for both of you, you know, to coach this kid, just offer your guidance, and ...

Um, well, there would be no money. But really, the potential for this teenager from Hawaii is just unreal, you know, the sky's the limit, especially with your help. And I know you usually have a huge fee, but you could just have some hats and shirts, you know. And then every time people saw this kid play, well, they would see the hat, and think of you, which would really be great for the infomercial sales of your "Swing Setter" and ...

Hello?

Led?

Dave?

Mr. Leadbetter?

Batman?

HEY, HELLO, HOT teenage chicks!

Oh! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, not for me, don't worry, I'm not some kind of pervert.

Yeah, yeah, I know I'm interrupting cheerleader practice, but it's OK, I just want to tell you about this guy I know, about your age. Great kid. Wow, what a nice guy. A super personality, he's just so much fun, everybody wants to hang out with him, be around him. I mean, everybody likes him, he just lights up the whole room.

Yes, now that you mention it, he does sound like the kind of guy who would be a great "friend."

But I mean it! He's special, this guy. You should grab 'em now, because I have a feeling that someday all the girls will realize what kind of person he is and swoon over him and just get all excited when he walks by.

Tall? Well, he is, um, tall-ish. Yeah, um, 5-foot-1. Built? Oh, yeah, this guy is really powerful, strong, solid. Like a bodybuilder? Yeah, kind of like a Teddy Bear bodybuilder ...

Eh, where you going! Did I mention he plays sports? Yeah, a real super jock, a great athlete.

What sport?

Um ... golf.

Hey, come back! What do you mean "what-EVER!"? No, no, no! Oh, good, you're coming back. Now, let me tell you -- hey, what is that, pepper spray?

AAAIIIIIEEEEEEEE!

OH, WELL, THE Sony Open starts in a day or so.

At least Tadd Fujikawa has golf.

Kalani Simpson can be reached at ksimpson@starbulletin.com